Thursday, November 20, 2008


Friday, November 14, 2008

MRI today...

I had an MRI today to see really what is going on with Baby David's brain and spinal issues. It is also to see how his heart is doing. I have to wait till Monday for the results. I am feeling so anxious, so restless, so many different things.

Depending on the MRI we will see what is going to happen. If the fluid is bad, they might have to take him a lot earlier than we thought. My doctor has also recommended that we move closer to the children's hospital in Kansas City to start my care there with them. I wish it was just easy to up and move but it isn't. I am still in a cast, not to mention financially we are so strapped. I'm praying God finds us a way.

I've made a new page dedicated to just Baby David. I will still be updating this one, but I want to keep this more for my personal feelings, stuff I want to keep seperate from his updates. So please add his page to your blog rolls! We need as much prayer as we can get!!!

Does anyone know how to make buttons that people can put on their page? I want to get as many prayers as we can! Please let me know.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I'm just back from the doctor and my mind is in a jumble. There is something wrong with my sweet baby boy. He has something wrong with his heart, I can't remember everything they said but I will be seeing a pediatric cardiologist (they are making an appointment right now) and will have an MRI. I'll post later when I can think clear and know exactly what it is but something that he only has input on the right side when it should be right and left. He also has fluid on his brain, and possibly has's too much to take right now and I am hating myself for my baby going through this.


Update...called doctor and she believes the baby has Double Outlet Right Ventricle...

What Is It?

Double Outlet Right Ventricle is a congenital heart defect in which both the aorta and the pulmonary artery exit from the right ventricle. In the normal heart, the aorta leaves the left ventricle and the pulmonary artery leaves the right ventricle.

In addition, there is a large ventricular septal defect (VSD), or hole in the muscle wall (septum) that separates the right and left ventricles.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I cried...and I prayed...

I had a HORRIBLE night. It was the worst night of this whole pregnancy to date.

Let me start of by saying that lil Smubby here is a very active baby. He moves atleast every couple hours on a regular basis, and kicks and moves so hard it literally has taken my breath away more than once. Sometimes I tell him to stop and poke my belly, but it's merely for the affect it makes to other people. Just playing, you know? Honestly I have been so thankful to feel him all the time, it reassures me he is still in there, he is still strong and letting Mommy know he is okay.

Going to sleep last night I realized I hadn't felt him kick AT ALL in awhile. In fact the last real kicking session I could remember was the day before when I smelled brownies. I was convinced he smelled them too and he was as happy as I was (ugh and let me just add when I went to get my brownies off the plate next to my bed I realized the dog had ate them! was it a sign I didn't need them?).

Chris told me not to worry after I spent 5 minutes poking, proding, and moving my tummy around and he hadn't moved.

"He's tired leave my baby alone!" he told me. Reluctantly I did.

I woke up at 3am and Smubby still hadn't moved. I freaked out. The next 3 hours I spent crying, sobbing, praying to God to please please just make him move and let me know that he was okay. I was on the verge of having Chris wake up and take me to the hospital I was so freaked out. I prayed to Alyssa, please please protect over her Mommy and baby brother that we needed her.

I've tried to stay calm and positive through this pregnancy and have been pretty good about it as a whole. But last night all my emotions ran wild, and I was angry. I was angry that I couldn't ever experience a normal pregnancy, that I can't just trust things will be okay. I was angry at myself for thinking the worst, and not just going to sleep and knowing he was fine in there.

I cried for all you mommies out there who are going through the same thing I am. It made me sad thinking that we are all part of this "club" of sadness and fear. I pray we all make it through with our sanity and our healthy babies.

So, at about 6 this morning my lil Smubby decided to kick the crap outta me for about an hour. I cried I was so happy! I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. And thankful God listened to my prayers.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


"When a child dies, two people die, I think.
The only difference is that his mother still had to suffer a heartbeat"

From 'Change of Heart' by Judy Picoult

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008

Alyssa's View...

I just had to share these pictures with everyone. The first is of Alyssa's Halloween Minnie Mouse we had at her grave for the month of October.

The second is the view from Alyssa's grave. It is breathtaking, I love when all the leaves change. It makes me happy her view is so beautiful.

On a sad note, there was another baby buried near her when we went. Since she left us there have been 5 more babies who have joined her. Whenever I see a new baby there the sadness overtakes me. I know how hard it still is for us, but when I think of a new set of parents going through those first weeks and months of horrible pain it makes me want to find them and hug them and cry with them.

Everytime we are going to visit Alyssa I pray on the way there "No new babies God, please no new babies."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I am starting to get anxious about the birth of our little Smubby. My husband tells me I need to think calm, that everything is okay and we don't have to worry. I try telling myself the same thing but I had to explain to him the other night that no matter if there are no problems with this pregnancy, that everything seems to be fine...I'm not a normal pregnant woman.

I mean yes, I am normal. And at the same time I am not. I am a mother who has gone through childbirth and had a beautiful baby girl. An innocent and pure angel from God who I was only with a few short hours. I went home from the hospital the way I came in. Without a baby in my arms. There is no worse feeling as a mother than leaving the hospital that you entered so full of hope, without a baby. To be wheeled out feeling so alone, so hopeless, so confused about everything that just happened.

Even if I have 10 more babies it will never be the same. I can never again be a mother who goes into the hospital without any fear of something going wrong. In my heart I know this baby is going to be born healthy and fine. In fact I suspect he will be born overdue just to mess with Mommy's pretty little head! Even though I believe this, my heart also tells my mind a million other things that I shouldn't be thinking, that a normal mother wouldn't even dream of going through her mind.

I pray that my anxiety will go away. I pray Alyssa is with me every step of every day and that she will give Mommy the strength that I need to make it through. I pray somewhere she is smiling down on me, thankful that I am giving her a baby brother.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Angel Mommy Blog Award...

Introducing....The Angel Mommy Blog Award! I've been thinking about this for quite awhile, and I wanted to start an award I would give to all the angel mom's I've met while blogging. I want to share my respect and love for all of us who have lost a child. So here we go!

If you have recieved the Angel Mommy Blog Award I ask the following things -

1. Please place the award in a new blog, or on your blog. But please include the link back to this post as well so everyone can read what this is about! (Link included at the bottom, or ask me how!)

2. Pass this award on to other angel mom's you know, or that you frequent their blog, or new angel mom's who would like to talk to other's who know their pain.

3. Please comment this post so I can see your blog post, or your page! As more people comment, you can also connect with other angel mom's. Tell us about your child if you choose to, so other angel mom's in your same experience can connect with your blog!

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Had To Share...

I got my stitches out of my ankle today (I have pictures but they are EWWW). It was the first time I had seen my ankle, and the sight of the stitches on both sides was a little nerve wracking. I admit it almost had me to the point of a panic attack. But I now have it in a regular cast, and wanted to share the pic of my X-Ray. Looks like a cartoon!

The doctor did tell me it was a very serious injury, that the break was so bad it tore all the ligaments away from the ankle bones. As you can see, it took a lot to repair.

More blogging this weekend!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Gas Prices WooHoo!

Even though I can't drive for another couple months (grrrrr), I do have to show off how much gas is here. I saw another blog doing the same thing but guess what? Mine's cheaper! lol...move to the midwest! I did from California, and I am constantly teasing my mom bout gas prices hehe.

Also, I was tagged for the first time! That will be up later today.

To my baby girl Mommy make it through the day sweet angel. Be with me.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Since I have so much free time in front of the computer, I decided to update!! I've also changed the name of my blog to "I'll Fly Away", and I will post the song lyrics so you can understand why. My sister used to sing this song to me as a little girl and I can't help but think of Alyssa everytime I hear it.

I am also wanting to meet more mom's who have gone through loosing a child. If you would like to be included in my blog roll, PLEASE leave a comment and I will add you!

ALSO PLEASE FOLLOW MY BLOG! I've added the button on the side bar. If you read my blog, I want to know who you are!

Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah,
bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.



That's how I feel lately. It really really ummm did I say not being able to walk. I was worried about being put on bed rest the week before the accident and stressed a little about it. But now I feel like I'm on bedrest without the ability to get up and go pee.

Now to a pregnant woman, being able to easily go pee when you want is an extreme issue (atleast I think). Having to get up, get in the wheelchair, wheel to the bathroom, use the walker to get in, and then reverse the process is frustrating! By the way I use the wheelchair because I am terrified that hopping around on that walker all the time is just bouncing this lil boy around. I don't take any risks with the baby.

So after being upset and frustrated that I just can't get up and go pee normally...and I also have to remember to get up in time since the process takes longer! Anyways after frustration comes sadness. I just want to be able to get up and do things. I hate that my wonderful husband has to do everything for me. I feel so guilty asking him to get me things, do something for me, etc. He told me he is my husband, who else would take care of me like this? I know the answer and it's nobody. I try and stay positive and strong for him, he is my strength.

I feel the baby move all the time now. He is an active one! He is now on Alyssa's schedule of waking up at 11Pm every night. I wonder if his angel sister is waking him up at that time to remind mommy they both are here with me? Just something I'd like to think :)

Oh yeah...YAYYYYYY I'm 24 weeks today! To any mother of a child who was born premature you know this is the mark where the doctor's will consider saving your baby if he is born early. Alyssa was born at 22 weeks, the doctors said there was nothing they could do unless she had been 24 weeks. My poor baby was given no chance. But from now on this baby will be given a chance! Let's pray he stays in here for awhile longer though, hopefully till atleast 37 weeks!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Alyssa's Candles for Oct. 15th

She is so loved, here are a couple of the candles in Alyssa's honor!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Oct. 15th...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. For the families of babies in Heaven, this is just one day out of 365 days a year we remember our angels.

I ask everyone to please say a prayer for my Alyssa, and to light a candle in her memory at 7pm no matter what your time zone.

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much baby girl and there is never a day we don't think about you and miss you. The pain we have is more than words could ever explain, be with us baby girl as we remember you today and everyday.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Severe Car Accident...

I'm still recovering and in lots of pain so this is what I posted on my MySpace, more details later...

As most of you know we were in a severe car accident last monday. Just wanted to explain it more for all of u who had questions!

We were driving up a 2 lane road that curves and goes slightly uphill. A lady came flying around the corner (it's a 25 zone) on wet pavement and lost control. Me and Chris both saw the accident coming, and he tried to pull over to avoid her but she still hit us head on. It was terrifying!

I'll never forget Chris jumping out of the car screaming about how the lady better hope she didn't kill his broke my heart, but I kept trying to reassure him my baby wasn't hit. I had a broken leg I knew for sure and I was bleeding from my head. Dini jumped out from the backseat, screaming and crying. My poor baby was so traumitized all she could say was "My mommy's baby, my mommy's baby" over and over.

At the scene I don't remember much. I realized I was bleeding more than a lil and screamed for help. A lady who saw the accident jumped in the backseat, wrapped something around my head and held it until the paramedics came. Everyone was worried about neck injury so I didn't move, just sat there crying, in shock, worried my baby was ok even though it wasn't my belly that hurt.

I was taken into the hospital in the ambulance and worked on in the Trauma ER for 3 hours. I had a severed artery in my head they couldn't control and it had to be worked on for awhile. The blood loss was almost to the point I needed transfusions. Chris and Genny stayed with my the whole time.

The only good thing in trauma was they gave me an ultrasound right away and I will never forget the nurse saying "Look at his lil turtle, it's a boy!" From that point on I knew I had to be strong for my baby miracle, and for Chris who was very traumitized seeing everything I was going thru. I'm not going to lie, it was horrific pain and the scariest thing I've ever been thru but I kept saying if my baby was ok, then I would get thru it.

First night in the hospital I stayed in Labor & Delivery just to make sure the baby was fine (which he is!!!). The nurse tried working on washing my hair for 2 hours to get the blood out, and even with all that my hair is still caked with blood. Gotta get to the beauty shop tomorrow! I was then moved to the ortho floor and 2 days later had surgery on my ankle.

My ankle was shattered in a ton of places, the doctor had to open me up on both sides, put a huge plate in and multiple pins. Very, very painful. After surgery I was doing ok for about an hour, but I got fluid on my lungs and couldn't breathe. That was scary too, Chris had just left and I felt light headed and they put oxygen on me and the next thing I know the other lady in the room had been wheeled out and there were about 15 doctors and nurses all around me.

I got moved to the floor for breathing treatments and had to wear a horrible breathing machine mask all night. It was miserable, I never want to go thru that again!

I'm now home after 5 days in the hospital. I'm still in horrible pain, and it's been depressing dealing with not being able to just get up and do things. I can't use crutches cuz I'm pregnant and the doctor wouldn't approve them. So I have a walker I hop around on, and a wheelchair when the pain is too bad.

As I type Chris is out buying us a car. My family helped us to get just enough money to get something that runs and can last until we get a settlement. So pray for us that happens soon and we can get back on our feet soon. On top of all of this, Chris had his hours cut at work and now is job hunting. Things need to get better!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Mad at the World...

I just don't know why things can't go right for me. I don't ask for much, I never ask to spend money or buy myself things. I stay home the majority of the time and am content. The one time I do ask for something, of course it won't come through for me.

I've had a hard couple days to begin with. My mother in law is here visiting and even though I shouldn't be upset I am mad. I don't want to sound like I expect people to help us because I DON'T! I've always worked and taken care of myself with the exception of being home pregnant with a high risk baby. We asked the in law's if they could help with Nadine's lawyer since we can't afford it. I assumed they would feel strongly about her not getting taken away to a person who doesn't even know her. I guess I was wrong.

I was told how broke they were and I completly understood. I mean hey, we are in the same boat. So I wasn't upset about it. Until she got here from CA. The whole time she has been here she has been using her credit card and buying things for her other grand daughter (who is an adult by the way). But she is broke right? Then she tells us how when she gets home they are buying a 50 inch flat screen for the extra bedroom. Nice! I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful for what we do have, but how can a 50 inch tv be more important that helping her son? By the way we have NEVER asked them for help before.

To top off me being upset....she doesn't want to go to Alyssa's grave. I was devestated to the point my soul hurts. How can she just laugh it off about she doesn't want to go, that it might be too hard?

TOO HARD?!?!?!?!?!

Does nobody understand what I have been through in the past year? Too hard? I don't want to hear it. It's too hard for me to wake up in the morning missing my daughter. It is too hard for me to not worry about this baby growing inside me. Sometimes it's just too hard for me to breathe. But I still do it.

I think a lot of this emotion is I'm now 21 weeks. Only one more week and I will be as far along as when Alyssa was born. I had an appointment today to find out the sex of the baby, but of course something else had to be done for some else (I'm not even getting into that now I will scream) and I had to miss my ultrasound. I've been obsessing about it, I need to know what this baby is. I need to bond with this baby more, I needed to know if this is my son or daughter. I needed to know for my own sanity. I guess I'm the only one who understands that.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Life is just...HECTIC! I don't know how else to describe it. But I do want to answer a few questions I've gotten.

First off, we live in a smaller midwest area and we aren't offered lawyers appointed by the court here, well basically if you aren't in jail you won't get one from the state.

Second, I have checked with EVERY lawyer in the phone book and there is no one who will take a child custody case pro bono. Just won't happen. I've tried.

So with that answered, we are still working on raising money and am SOOO thankful for those few who have donated. Expect something in the mail from us soon :)

On the baby front I am doing good. Still have to wait until Oct. 8th to hopefully find out the sex of the baby. I do feel him moving more which is a good sign.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Nadine's Lawyer Fund...

Dear Friends & Family,

I am sending this message to all the people in our lifes who know us and Nadine. Recently we were served with papers stating that Nadine's biological "mother" in California is trying to get custody of Nadine. She doesn't even know her and has never made a full attempt to be in her life! She is a drug addict and a convicted thief. She has never done anything for Nadine in the form of financial or any other way. We are stuck in a very hard place, a lawyer is going to cost us over $2000, something we cannot just come up with. We are asking everyone to please help in anyway. A donation of $5, $10, anything! Also if you would like to repost this on your MySpace or email it would help us. If we don't have a lawyer by next week, there is a court date in CA and if we don't have a lawyer they will grant her whatever she wants. This means that she would get a court order and could come and take her away from us. Her family has already told us, once she gets Nadine to CA she won't bring her back.

I've set up an online donation page, which also has a more detailed explanation on it. Please pass it on if you like.

To make donations, please go to this page or message me and I will give you my info to mail a check or money order. If you can't make a donation THAT IS FINE! Just please please pray for my baby girl.

It is hard for me to post this. Most people don't even know Nadine isn't my biological daughter. I've never ever wanted her to be treated different if we had other kids, which we are now pregnant as you know. I didn't want anyone to view my relationship with her as "Oh that's not her real mom" because I am her real mom! The only mom she knows.

I also hate asking for money. There are so many scams and chain letters online, and this is not one! I am willing to share and be open with everything to those who do donate. Please help us in any way you can!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Prayer Needed!

I am asking everyone to PLEASE PLEASE pray for my baby. I went in for my 18 week ultrasound yesterday, and even though everything looked normal I am terrified. Let me explain.

I am Diabetic. I have high blood pressure. I have had 1 miscarriage. I lost my daughter at 22 weeks into my last pregnancy. We still really have no reason why Alyssa was born so early other than I did have an infection in my placenta, but the doctors can't determine if I got that before or after my water broke with her.

Because of all these risk factors, and also because I wasn't on any medication for my diabetes after I had Alyssa (my insurance was cut off after I had her, yes I have Medicaid) I am at more risk for having a baby premature.

The doctors also told us because of my diabetes I have a 25% chance of this baby having some kind of birth defects. I am terrified! I am so scared, so sad, so lonely thinking about how my baby could be affected in any way. I am keeping good control of my diabetes, taking insulin, and checking my sugars regularly.

Will this baby have something wrong? I don't know. Does the ultrasound look good so far? YES!!! Thank God!

I am given so many sad and heart breaking chances of this baby having either a birth defect, or even the possibility of still birth. Does this mean that this will happen? NO! This means my baby needs all the prayer his/her little body needs to be born healthy!

There is so much more I want to get off my chest and blog about, but my heart is heavy and I'm scared.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Always Blessings, Never Losses...

I am obsessed with John Edward. I can't even believe I left my cozy lil spot on the couch and his marathon to come share this with everyone. But I had to.

I was watching an episode with a family who lost a 4 year old to cancer. To make a long story short, John asks the mom how she made it through everything and had such a great energy around her.

"I don't know how I made it through" she answered. John told her no, she must have had something that helped her.

"I always say "Always blessings, never losses"

WOW. I cried my eyes out thinking about Alyssa. About how through all my grief, all my pain, everything I've been through I am still BLESSED. Does this saying change my life, make me be a mother who isn't grieving anymore? Not at all. But it gives me a reason to think of the blessings, not the pain.

I am BLESSED to be Alyssa's mommy. I am BLESSED to be the only person in this whole wide world who was with this beautiful baby from the moment she was concieved to the moment her heart stopped beating and she was in God's arms.

I am BLESSED to be having Alyssa's sibling. I am BLESSED God is giving me the chance to have a lil piece of my daughter here with me, that she will live on in our hearts and memories.

I am BLESSED to have a wonderful husband who has done nothing but hold me up and give me strength when I thought there was no way to go on.

I am BLESSED to have the chance to have people all over know about Alyssa. I am BLESSED that she was here with me and I told her I loved her, some mother's never even have that chance.

Now my mission is to go to a John Edward reading. He is going to be about 3 hours away next year, and I am going to be saving money now to go. It will cost $175 per person for me and Chris to go. And guess what? It's on Chris' birthday. I think it's a sign. It's also right around Alyssa's due date.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


So my mom and her...ugh...her boyfriend are coming in from California today to spend some time with us. Long story about the boyfriend thing, I know I am too old to be grossed out by it but I just am!

I might not be back on till Monday so thought I would just let everyone know I found the most wonderful OB doc for me to see. YAYYYYY!!! If you know my past history, I have had a slew of doctors who really seemed to know nothing bout birthin no babies!

I feel real confident and super excited with this new doc. He sat down with us and answered all our questions and was very helpful. It makes me feel better to know I have a doctor who know's what he is talking about and is there to help me. Thank you God!

Ok that's it for now. I am babysitting my grandbaby (hehe my oldest step daughter's son) and I can hear him knocking everything down in the living room :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

6 Months...

This post should have been done earlier...on the 22nd to be exact, but I have been holding out not finishing it. Maybe in the hope that it won't hurt so much.

The 22nd, 6 months...

I don't even know where to start with this entry. I just want to sit here and gush my broken heart out to the whole world about how much I miss my baby girl. How I am hurting so deep inside that I don't know if anyone is capable of really seeing the depth's of my pain. My mind jog's from place to place in no particular order, no rhyme or reason.

I've been a mother who left the hospital without her child, a mother who will never ever hold her baby again until I meet her in Heaven, a mother who crys every single day because "why me?!?." A mother who is in such pain that I can't take it...I can't imagine ever just being okay without having Alyssa here with me. A mother who feels so torn about this new baby growing inside me that I don't know how to feel anymore.

Please, please don't get me wrong. I am blessed to be pregnant again and I believe it was God's way for me to be carrying this child. I want this baby more than anything. But there are so many emotions I have to deal with and that I need prayer for. I love this baby growing inside me more than words can ever explain. But I am scared.

Scared that something will happen with this baby....scared that somewhere Alyssa is mad at me for getting pregnant so soon, scared people think I am replacing my daughter. Which I am not! Nothing ever in this world would replace her. NOTHING!

Today my daughter would be 6 months old. She would be laughing and coo'ing and wearing cute little bows in her hair. Today I would be holding my Alyssa and kissing her and laughing at how adorable she was, a perfect combination of her Mommy and Daddy.

Today I cry. Today I long for the warmth of her little body next to mine. Today I mourn for a baby who was never given a chance, who never got to come home with us and be loved like we wanted to love her. Today I am mad...I am angry, I want to break everything in my house and scream at the top of my lungs "WHY MY BABY!!!!"

Today I embrace Alyssa's memory and ask God to protect her always. I pray for myself to find comfort in knowing she will never feel pain, she will never have a broken heart, she will never know the evil's of this world. She will only know peace and love and beauty in Heaven.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

And there she goes...

So my baby is officially a kindy-gardener! Atleast that is what she says :) I can't begin to describe how proud of her I am, and how I know this is just the beginning of wonderful experiences for her.

Getting ready for school was not all fun for me. My poor daughter is scared. She told me she is scared Mommy will have the baby too early again and she will have to quit school (when I had Alyssa she was in preschool and I kind of gave up on everything so she didn't go back). My poor 5 year old is worried about Mommy being home alone.

"I don't want this baby to die Mommy."

How do you deal with this? It pains me to the very core of my soul. No 5 year old should have to deal with death like this. It is so unfair! Nadine constantly talks to Alyssa in the sky and is wanting to send her things, such as a jacket cause she says she know's she is cold. It breaks my heart.

I feel horrible and guilty that while I stay at home and sleep (which I do a lot of lately) baby girl is worrying that Mommy isn't in the hospital, and that the baby is still alive. I pray for us all constantly and feel in my heart that this baby will be here with us safe and healthy.

I used to be able to write my heart out and express every little feeling inside with ease. But since Alyssa is gone I feel my words stay more in my head and are unable to come out. It's too painful to actually let the words come out.

As I write this post my mom called to tell me she has left her boyfriend. I can't handle her stress too right now. My mom has always been a lil...well...crazy. After my dad died she has never been the same, it's been over 20 years and she is finally happy. But it seems as soon as she is happy she runs from it and finds a reason not to be happy. I love my mom more than anything, but I can't deal with her being sad and upset too. It's too much for my heart right now.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Scarey Dreams...

One of the major pregnancy symptoms I have is weird dreams, scarey dreams, just way far out dreams. It's actually how I knew I was pregnant this time. I just don't dream like this normally. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all or affect me at all and sometimes it makes me wake up in tears.

Last night was on of the tear nights.

Ok let me set this up a little bit. I have been thinking about when this baby is born that no matter what because I am Diabetic they will take my baby into the NICU to monitor it's sugars and make sure in general everything is ok. This has been making me feel on the verge of panic attacks this last week.

Now to the dream...I am in the hospital having this baby and right after he is born they take him away. I'm disorented from the drugs and don't know what's going on or where they are taking my baby. All I can do is scream.

"Where are they taking ALYSSA!!!"

I keep asking for Alyssa over and over again. No one says anything to me. I wake up.

This is the type of dream that hurts me into my soul. My poor precious baby girl in Heaven. She never leaves my mind and as much as it might seem horrible to say, I don't even stop thinking of her to bond with this new baby in my tummy. I miss my baby girl with every ounce of my body and always will. But I love this new baby more than anything too...and I feel guilty for it. Am I betraying Alyssa? Does she know I'm not replacing her? Does she hear my prayers to her?

I pray my baby girl gives me the strength from the lil cloud she is resting on to make it through anything that happens emotionally.

I also told Chris this would be the last baby. There is no way I could ever watch him go through the pain of loosing his baby girl ever again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I pray with all my heart this pregnancy keeps going along uncomplicated and we have our healthy baby boy/girl. I know some people might think "why isnt she more positive about her pregnancy?!?!?" and I think the same thing. When I was pregnant with Alyssa I was so confident she would be born so beautiful and healthy and what a great life we would give her. Now all that is left is memories.

Is there any possible way to move on? Do I want to? I just want to be at peace with what has happened and know my daughter is safe in God's arms.

Monday, August 4, 2008


This is 12 weeks 3 days, isn't he perfect!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Doing Good..

Things are going pretty good! I saw the high risk OB doc this week and was able to get an ultrasound of the baby (I will post later on when I get the scanner hooked up grrr). He (everyone is calling this lil one "He" already, wishful thinking) looked perfect! I was so happy to see his little heart beating so strong. Nothing could have been greater.

The doc of course went through all the risks and complications going along with my Diabetes and high blood pressure. Also since I've had a premature baby, I'm more at risk for another one. This terrifys me, I don't know how I could handle loosing another child.

PLEASE PLEASE if you pray....pray for my baby to be born healthy. Thank you!

I am going to be starting a shot called 17P, and I'm not too familiar with it just yet. I know only one pharmacy here locally carries it, and insurnace won't pay. But the doc said it reduces risk of premature baby by 30% so we want to try it. Anything that helps this baby get a healthy 9 months we are pretty much willing to do.

I need to blog more. I need to be closer to God. Anyone know of online bible study or group?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First OB Appt...

Just a quick note, today was my first OB appt! I prayed so hard to see the lil heartbeat, and God answered my prayers.

Heartbeat 180. The tech told me "You have a beautiful baby, text book perfect there could be nothing more perfect and healthy about the development."

I am so happy...and so scared. I need to write more. I might change to a different blog since I don't really have devoted readers on this one, I would love more!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

It Hurts So Bad...

Last night me and Chris went to St. Louis to pick up his friend from the airport. It's our first time being away at all since I had Alyssa. We haven't left Nadine with anyone in over 2 years I think. It was hard leaving her, but happy at the same time knowing I need some time away. We rented a car and even stayed at Harrah's Casino. No, we didn't win anything!

On the way to STL we got Jack in the Box! We don't have one here and being from CA we are used to them being on every corner. I definetley felt the pregnant food cravings as soon as we were there and I grubbed! Chris looked at me and said "I'm sad" and of course I asked why??

"Alyssa never got Jack in the Box and this baby does."

My heart broke. There are so many things Alyssa never experienced, so many things we never ever will get to do with her. How do you deal with the fact your child is never had the chance to grow up and just be with us. I can't stop crying as I type this thinking of everything Chris, Alyssa, and me missed out on. Why is life so unfair?

We don't talk much about me being pregnant. It will be different after Wed when I go to the doctor. I pray that they find a heartbeat. Please God, let this baby be healthy. Please pray for me if anyone is reading this. I never imagined when I was younger I would have such problems with pregnancy. It's suppossed to be natural and something a woman's body is just suppossed to do. So what is wrong with me? One premature angel...all in a year.

Oh! Sidetrack for a minute...the room number at the casino was 222...Alyssa's birthday. I pray my baby girl is sending me a sign that she is protecting over this baby. Please baby Mommy heal.

I think every mother has the feeling that her child is apart of her, something that was made out of herself. I will always have a piece of me missing no matter what because Alyssa isn't here with me. And sometimes I just wish people could understand that, I can NEVER replace or get over her. As you might guess I've had some bad experience with comments about "just moving on". It's not possible.

On the ride home I was fine until we were about 10 miles from home. The pain and sadness overcame my whole body. Have you ever been so sad your whole body aches? Your whole being is so sad it's painful to even breathe...

Please God help me breathe.

Saturday, July 5, 2008


Alyssa's headstone was placed this week. I have to thank my cousin, Ron Cohee (yes, you can google him!) for drawing the beautiful princess just for Alyssa.

The second picture is Alyssa's big sister and her nephew :) Yes, she was also an auntie!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Today is an emotional day. First off I am just emotional, due to pregnancy. Second I am just emotional because I am a grieving mother. Both of these reasons seem to spill over into every thought, every word out of my mouth. And sometimes I assume I might be just a lil bit ummm bitchy. Sorry I can't think of any other word.

I wake up in the morning to straighten up the living room before my day care kids get here. And there is a mess everywhere! I asked Chris to clean his mess before he came to bed at 2AM. I suppose after playing video games for 5 hours your fingers are tired and can't pick up your trash and mess. So I let him know this. And started our day off wrong.

He left without saying good-bye or giving me a kiss. It broke my heart. I'm sorry I was mean first thing in the morning, and I should have told him with more patience, but sometimes these days that doesn't work. My feelings and sadness that I try and keep deep down where no one can see them seem to come out and in the wrong way. It's hard to explain to someone how your grief can take over your body and affect everything you do and say.

I hope when he gets home he understands. I love him so much.

I also recieved a call from the funeral home and Alyssa's headstone is being placed today. I know that is going to be hard to see her lil name in stone in the ground. My baby....I don't know how I can ever EVER feel complete again without her in my arms...

How can I ever be fair to another baby when I miss her so much?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Responsibility Awareness Program...

So a couple years ago I got a ticket for not displaying the front plate on our truck. Well, the reason is we don't have a front bumper due to an accident we had. We had the bumper stored at my uncle's house and in the misdt of him cleaning out his garage he threw it out. Just our luck. Anyways, I got the ticket for the plate not being on the bumper, and I think maybe a speeding ticket. I don't remember anymore. The fine was huge, and I had to get extensions to pay it off.

In addition to my fine, I was ordered to take a "Responsibility Awareness Program". In my mind I always just thought it was going to be a driver's training type class and it would be easy. So I had the class scheduled and decided to look up the website and see if I needed to bring anything, and what exactly was the program descripition.

This program is a two-hour victim impact panel for non-alcohol involved traffic offenders. Volunteer speakers address the more serious consequences of common driving errors, including failure to use seat belts. Our volunteer speakers include the grandparents of a five-year old child who was killed by a passenger side air bag, the sister of a young man killed in a speeding incident, nurse educators....

When I read it my heart stopped. I have to listen to people talk about kids and babies dying? NO!!! I cried and cried just thinking about having to listen to the pain of another person who had lost a child. Emotionally I knew I wasn't up to it.

I went to the class because I knew I had to. I asked the women at the front if there was a lot of talk of babies, and they just stared at me. Bad sign. I explained my situation and told them I didn't think I could emotionally handle if it was too sad. They told me I had to stay for the majority of the class and if I needed to step out for a minute I could.

I will not repeat the HORRIBLE stories of babies dying that I heard. I had to bite my finger as hard as I could in the attempt to not totally loose my mind and break down. I cried several times, all the while telling myself that I could make it through this.

At the end of class just when I thought I had done it and was ready to leave....they make us watch a video. It starts out with Princess Di, and talk of how if she had a seat belt on she would of lived. Without warning Princess Di leaves and on comes a mother talking about her baby. Talking about how a parent should never have to see their child take her last breath, and how you should never have to pick out what your baby is buried in....then the video of her daughter's funeral starts....

The casket that this baby girl was buried in was just like Alyssa's. That's when I lost it. I got up and walked as fast as I could out of that room, tears pouring down my face. My whole body hurt I was in such pain emotionally. All I could think of was the day we buried Alyssa, and our time with her before she left us. It was all too much.

I spent the rest of the day an emotional wreck. Not only that I am now panic stricken riding in the car or driving. Thanks a lot class, you ruined me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How Do I Feel?

How do I feel? That's a question I just can't seem to even answer myself. Physically I am fine, no morning sickness (I've never had it crazy!) or anything like that. My pregnancy symptoms are being emotional, and mostly crazy dreams. I wake up in the middle of a dream, go back to sleep and dream the rest. I can tell you that my dreams are so vivid and active while I am pregnant.

Emotionally I don't know how I feel. I've always been able to write in any way and express how I feel. Sometimes too much, and too deep for me to even read again later. But lately I just don't have that drive in me anymore as much as I want it to be there. I want to be able to blog every detail of what I'm feeling right now. But I don't know what that is.

Deep down inside I am so scared. I have to go get my insurance completed tomorrow so I can make an appointment with a good doctor. It sucks, but all the doctors who take the temporary insurance are interns. Which isn't always bad, I started with an intern and then she graduated and moved a lil too far for me to drive now. I need a doctor who is going to be on top of everything, someone who is positive and is willing to help me make sure this baby is born healthy.

I don't know how to feel though. I don't want anyone to EVER think this baby will replace Alyssa, because no one can do that. I also struggle with feelings that I am some how leaving her behind, a huge fear that people will forget her and say "Oh they had another baby they are fine". That will never be the case. Alyssa is always in my heart, always on my mind, and forever my daughter.

Even in blogging right now I don't know how to explain it. I just want everyone to remember Alyssa, for Alyssa to know her Mommy loves her more than anything, and for this baby to be born healthy. I can't handle another loss. Dear Lord please bless this baby with a healthy pregnancy and life.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Beautiful Alyssa...

Today being 4 months since Alyssa was brought into our world and taken away so quickly, today being the day before I was due....I bring you my beautiful Alyssa. I have so much to write, so much on my mind, and right now not enough time to do it.
I promise to write more about Alyssa tonight. We are going to her grave today. My sweet baby....Mommy loves you more than I can ever describe. I need you here with me sweet precious baby....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Being "Undercover"

I was just reading "Bring The Rain" about people lying about who they are and what they have been through. It is horrible to lie about loosing a child, I don't understand why ANYONE would even want to pretend such a thing has happened to them. And to gain trust and friendship of women who have been through it is something they should be horribly ashamed of.

So I've decided not to let my blog be "undercover". I had started it that way in the hopes I could moan and groan about things and not be found out haha. But I realize I am not ashamed of my life, or my precious baby girl I lost. So starting today or tomorrow I am going to post pictures, and blog more. I hope you all stay to check it out :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


UGH!!!! Sometimes I wonder if it's just my luck, or if everyone just deserves for me to be upset with them.

I tried all day to get an appointment with a doc that will see me on temporary Medicaid. I actually don't even have it yet, I have to go to the Health Department and take a pee test and then they give me the magic slip saying I'm pregnant and can have my insurance back again. Honestly I think it is a little degrading to have to go and do a pregnancy test in the same office as the STD clinic. Ugh I'm just aggravated at everything!

I want to go to my regular OB but with gas prices so high I just can't afford to drive 30 miles each way, especially since I know I will be seen atleast 2 times a month by the regular OB, and 1 or 2 times a month by the high risk doc. I loved my doc, she was the best, but since she was so far when I had Baby A, she wasn't able to be there to deliver her. So this time I want to find a doc closer who can be there when I go into labor. Hopefully.

Every office I called (my old doc recommended some) won't see me. Either they don't accept Medicaid, or have limited space. And wonderful none of them can tell me how to become "limited space" in their office. I finally gave up and called an office I had been to before. It's all interns and residents who haven't graduated yet. They are the only place I can find who will accept my insurance. But I had to leave a message to have someone call back to set an appointment and of course no one called as promised.

I am not normally this mean and angry. I'm hormonal. I'm scared about my baby's health. I am terrified of loosing another baby. I am grief stricken about my daughter in Heaven and feel so guilty about being pregnant again so soon.

Mommy loves you so much Baby A, my sweet princess. Even though I'm pregnant NO ONE can replace you beautiful baby girl. Please protect over your baby brother or sister.

Monday, June 9, 2008

A Little Background On Me...

Since I am hoping that this blog will have a long life and be full of miracles and happiness and hope for other mommy's who have angel's in Heaven, I think I should give my background. Or atleast some of it.

I'm 29 years old, recently married to the love of my life. We have a 5 year old daughter "Miss N" who is a drama queen. I love her to pieces, but she is a handful. Of course my husband "C" says that she is exactly like me. Weird! But I do see it and it drives me crazy!

In June of 2007 we had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Me and C were both devestated, but we were thrilled beyond words when I became pregnant again 3 months later. Sadly after a long hard pregnancy on me physically and mentally I went into labor with my daughter sweet "Baby A" at 22 weeks.

Baby A was only with us for a few short hours. The story behind her birth is long and complicated, and I'm sure I'll post later. I had to have my gallbladder taken out during pregnancy and was injured in the process. I was told not to worry though that my baby was perfectly fine. Even though I am diabetic I was under control and doing good. We still have no reason why I went into labor early though I have my theories (which I'll post later, it's a long story).

Now I am pregnant again. I haven't even been to the doctor yet it's been so soon since I found out. I have to go on Wed to the health department and have them give me a test so I can get my insurance back. Until then I am scared, sad, happy, thrilled, emotionally broken, and intact all at the same time.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Don't Know How To Feel

I'm not sure how to feel yet. I think I am so scared deep down inside that I'm not allowing myself to really process that I am pregnant again. This is the 3rd time in exactly a year that I've been pregnant.

I lost the first baby at 12 weeks.

My sweet baby "Baby A" was born premature at 22 weeks. She was with us for only a short time and I'm still grieving for her. How can I move on from my precious daughter dying? How can I accept I'm pregnant again, and have no reassurance that this baby will live?

Please God, help me heal. Let this baby be healthy. Please don't let us go through anymore pain.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I'm Pregnant...

I took a pregnancy test today. It was positive.

I don't know how to feel, what to expect, nothing. I am almost numb.

Most of all I'm scared beyond belief and pray that this baby is strong and healthy. I have so much to change. I need to get my insulin.

Nobody know's. B doesn't want me to tell anyone for awhile. So I had to find a place to share. So here goes my blog.