Thursday, June 26, 2008

Responsibility Awareness Program...

So a couple years ago I got a ticket for not displaying the front plate on our truck. Well, the reason is we don't have a front bumper due to an accident we had. We had the bumper stored at my uncle's house and in the misdt of him cleaning out his garage he threw it out. Just our luck. Anyways, I got the ticket for the plate not being on the bumper, and I think maybe a speeding ticket. I don't remember anymore. The fine was huge, and I had to get extensions to pay it off.

In addition to my fine, I was ordered to take a "Responsibility Awareness Program". In my mind I always just thought it was going to be a driver's training type class and it would be easy. So I had the class scheduled and decided to look up the website and see if I needed to bring anything, and what exactly was the program descripition.

This program is a two-hour victim impact panel for non-alcohol involved traffic offenders. Volunteer speakers address the more serious consequences of common driving errors, including failure to use seat belts. Our volunteer speakers include the grandparents of a five-year old child who was killed by a passenger side air bag, the sister of a young man killed in a speeding incident, nurse educators....

When I read it my heart stopped. I have to listen to people talk about kids and babies dying? NO!!! I cried and cried just thinking about having to listen to the pain of another person who had lost a child. Emotionally I knew I wasn't up to it.

I went to the class because I knew I had to. I asked the women at the front if there was a lot of talk of babies, and they just stared at me. Bad sign. I explained my situation and told them I didn't think I could emotionally handle if it was too sad. They told me I had to stay for the majority of the class and if I needed to step out for a minute I could.

I will not repeat the HORRIBLE stories of babies dying that I heard. I had to bite my finger as hard as I could in the attempt to not totally loose my mind and break down. I cried several times, all the while telling myself that I could make it through this.

At the end of class just when I thought I had done it and was ready to leave....they make us watch a video. It starts out with Princess Di, and talk of how if she had a seat belt on she would of lived. Without warning Princess Di leaves and on comes a mother talking about her baby. Talking about how a parent should never have to see their child take her last breath, and how you should never have to pick out what your baby is buried in....then the video of her daughter's funeral starts....

The casket that this baby girl was buried in was just like Alyssa's. That's when I lost it. I got up and walked as fast as I could out of that room, tears pouring down my face. My whole body hurt I was in such pain emotionally. All I could think of was the day we buried Alyssa, and our time with her before she left us. It was all too much.

I spent the rest of the day an emotional wreck. Not only that I am now panic stricken riding in the car or driving. Thanks a lot class, you ruined me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How Do I Feel?

How do I feel? That's a question I just can't seem to even answer myself. Physically I am fine, no morning sickness (I've never had it crazy!) or anything like that. My pregnancy symptoms are being emotional, and mostly crazy dreams. I wake up in the middle of a dream, go back to sleep and dream the rest. I can tell you that my dreams are so vivid and active while I am pregnant.

Emotionally I don't know how I feel. I've always been able to write in any way and express how I feel. Sometimes too much, and too deep for me to even read again later. But lately I just don't have that drive in me anymore as much as I want it to be there. I want to be able to blog every detail of what I'm feeling right now. But I don't know what that is.

Deep down inside I am so scared. I have to go get my insurance completed tomorrow so I can make an appointment with a good doctor. It sucks, but all the doctors who take the temporary insurance are interns. Which isn't always bad, I started with an intern and then she graduated and moved a lil too far for me to drive now. I need a doctor who is going to be on top of everything, someone who is positive and is willing to help me make sure this baby is born healthy.

I don't know how to feel though. I don't want anyone to EVER think this baby will replace Alyssa, because no one can do that. I also struggle with feelings that I am some how leaving her behind, a huge fear that people will forget her and say "Oh they had another baby they are fine". That will never be the case. Alyssa is always in my heart, always on my mind, and forever my daughter.

Even in blogging right now I don't know how to explain it. I just want everyone to remember Alyssa, for Alyssa to know her Mommy loves her more than anything, and for this baby to be born healthy. I can't handle another loss. Dear Lord please bless this baby with a healthy pregnancy and life.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Beautiful Alyssa...

Today being 4 months since Alyssa was brought into our world and taken away so quickly, today being the day before I was due....I bring you my beautiful Alyssa. I have so much to write, so much on my mind, and right now not enough time to do it.
I promise to write more about Alyssa tonight. We are going to her grave today. My sweet baby....Mommy loves you more than I can ever describe. I need you here with me sweet precious baby....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Being "Undercover"

I was just reading "Bring The Rain" about people lying about who they are and what they have been through. It is horrible to lie about loosing a child, I don't understand why ANYONE would even want to pretend such a thing has happened to them. And to gain trust and friendship of women who have been through it is something they should be horribly ashamed of.

So I've decided not to let my blog be "undercover". I had started it that way in the hopes I could moan and groan about things and not be found out haha. But I realize I am not ashamed of my life, or my precious baby girl I lost. So starting today or tomorrow I am going to post pictures, and blog more. I hope you all stay to check it out :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


UGH!!!! Sometimes I wonder if it's just my luck, or if everyone just deserves for me to be upset with them.

I tried all day to get an appointment with a doc that will see me on temporary Medicaid. I actually don't even have it yet, I have to go to the Health Department and take a pee test and then they give me the magic slip saying I'm pregnant and can have my insurance back again. Honestly I think it is a little degrading to have to go and do a pregnancy test in the same office as the STD clinic. Ugh I'm just aggravated at everything!

I want to go to my regular OB but with gas prices so high I just can't afford to drive 30 miles each way, especially since I know I will be seen atleast 2 times a month by the regular OB, and 1 or 2 times a month by the high risk doc. I loved my doc, she was the best, but since she was so far when I had Baby A, she wasn't able to be there to deliver her. So this time I want to find a doc closer who can be there when I go into labor. Hopefully.

Every office I called (my old doc recommended some) won't see me. Either they don't accept Medicaid, or have limited space. And wonderful none of them can tell me how to become "limited space" in their office. I finally gave up and called an office I had been to before. It's all interns and residents who haven't graduated yet. They are the only place I can find who will accept my insurance. But I had to leave a message to have someone call back to set an appointment and of course no one called as promised.

I am not normally this mean and angry. I'm hormonal. I'm scared about my baby's health. I am terrified of loosing another baby. I am grief stricken about my daughter in Heaven and feel so guilty about being pregnant again so soon.

Mommy loves you so much Baby A, my sweet princess. Even though I'm pregnant NO ONE can replace you beautiful baby girl. Please protect over your baby brother or sister.

Monday, June 9, 2008

A Little Background On Me...

Since I am hoping that this blog will have a long life and be full of miracles and happiness and hope for other mommy's who have angel's in Heaven, I think I should give my background. Or atleast some of it.

I'm 29 years old, recently married to the love of my life. We have a 5 year old daughter "Miss N" who is a drama queen. I love her to pieces, but she is a handful. Of course my husband "C" says that she is exactly like me. Weird! But I do see it and it drives me crazy!

In June of 2007 we had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Me and C were both devestated, but we were thrilled beyond words when I became pregnant again 3 months later. Sadly after a long hard pregnancy on me physically and mentally I went into labor with my daughter sweet "Baby A" at 22 weeks.

Baby A was only with us for a few short hours. The story behind her birth is long and complicated, and I'm sure I'll post later. I had to have my gallbladder taken out during pregnancy and was injured in the process. I was told not to worry though that my baby was perfectly fine. Even though I am diabetic I was under control and doing good. We still have no reason why I went into labor early though I have my theories (which I'll post later, it's a long story).

Now I am pregnant again. I haven't even been to the doctor yet it's been so soon since I found out. I have to go on Wed to the health department and have them give me a test so I can get my insurance back. Until then I am scared, sad, happy, thrilled, emotionally broken, and intact all at the same time.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Don't Know How To Feel

I'm not sure how to feel yet. I think I am so scared deep down inside that I'm not allowing myself to really process that I am pregnant again. This is the 3rd time in exactly a year that I've been pregnant.

I lost the first baby at 12 weeks.

My sweet baby "Baby A" was born premature at 22 weeks. She was with us for only a short time and I'm still grieving for her. How can I move on from my precious daughter dying? How can I accept I'm pregnant again, and have no reassurance that this baby will live?

Please God, help me heal. Let this baby be healthy. Please don't let us go through anymore pain.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

I'm Pregnant...

I took a pregnancy test today. It was positive.

I don't know how to feel, what to expect, nothing. I am almost numb.

Most of all I'm scared beyond belief and pray that this baby is strong and healthy. I have so much to change. I need to get my insulin.

Nobody know's. B doesn't want me to tell anyone for awhile. So I had to find a place to share. So here goes my blog.