Tuesday, June 24, 2008

How Do I Feel?

How do I feel? That's a question I just can't seem to even answer myself. Physically I am fine, no morning sickness (I've never had it crazy!) or anything like that. My pregnancy symptoms are being emotional, and mostly crazy dreams. I wake up in the middle of a dream, go back to sleep and dream the rest. I can tell you that my dreams are so vivid and active while I am pregnant.

Emotionally I don't know how I feel. I've always been able to write in any way and express how I feel. Sometimes too much, and too deep for me to even read again later. But lately I just don't have that drive in me anymore as much as I want it to be there. I want to be able to blog every detail of what I'm feeling right now. But I don't know what that is.

Deep down inside I am so scared. I have to go get my insurance completed tomorrow so I can make an appointment with a good doctor. It sucks, but all the doctors who take the temporary insurance are interns. Which isn't always bad, I started with an intern and then she graduated and moved a lil too far for me to drive now. I need a doctor who is going to be on top of everything, someone who is positive and is willing to help me make sure this baby is born healthy.

I don't know how to feel though. I don't want anyone to EVER think this baby will replace Alyssa, because no one can do that. I also struggle with feelings that I am some how leaving her behind, a huge fear that people will forget her and say "Oh they had another baby they are fine". That will never be the case. Alyssa is always in my heart, always on my mind, and forever my daughter.

Even in blogging right now I don't know how to explain it. I just want everyone to remember Alyssa, for Alyssa to know her Mommy loves her more than anything, and for this baby to be born healthy. I can't handle another loss. Dear Lord please bless this baby with a healthy pregnancy and life.

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