Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First OB Appt...

Just a quick note, today was my first OB appt! I prayed so hard to see the lil heartbeat, and God answered my prayers.

Heartbeat 180. The tech told me "You have a beautiful baby, text book perfect there could be nothing more perfect and healthy about the development."

I am so happy...and so scared. I need to write more. I might change to a different blog since I don't really have devoted readers on this one, I would love more!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

It Hurts So Bad...

Last night me and Chris went to St. Louis to pick up his friend from the airport. It's our first time being away at all since I had Alyssa. We haven't left Nadine with anyone in over 2 years I think. It was hard leaving her, but happy at the same time knowing I need some time away. We rented a car and even stayed at Harrah's Casino. No, we didn't win anything!

On the way to STL we got Jack in the Box! We don't have one here and being from CA we are used to them being on every corner. I definetley felt the pregnant food cravings as soon as we were there and I grubbed! Chris looked at me and said "I'm sad" and of course I asked why??

"Alyssa never got Jack in the Box and this baby does."

My heart broke. There are so many things Alyssa never experienced, so many things we never ever will get to do with her. How do you deal with the fact your child is never had the chance to grow up and just be with us. I can't stop crying as I type this thinking of everything Chris, Alyssa, and me missed out on. Why is life so unfair?

We don't talk much about me being pregnant. It will be different after Wed when I go to the doctor. I pray that they find a heartbeat. Please God, let this baby be healthy. Please pray for me if anyone is reading this. I never imagined when I was younger I would have such problems with pregnancy. It's suppossed to be natural and something a woman's body is just suppossed to do. So what is wrong with me? One premature angel...all in a year.

Oh! Sidetrack for a minute...the room number at the casino was 222...Alyssa's birthday. I pray my baby girl is sending me a sign that she is protecting over this baby. Please baby Mommy heal.

I think every mother has the feeling that her child is apart of her, something that was made out of herself. I will always have a piece of me missing no matter what because Alyssa isn't here with me. And sometimes I just wish people could understand that, I can NEVER replace or get over her. As you might guess I've had some bad experience with comments about "just moving on". It's not possible.

On the ride home I was fine until we were about 10 miles from home. The pain and sadness overcame my whole body. Have you ever been so sad your whole body aches? Your whole being is so sad it's painful to even breathe...

Please God help me breathe.

Saturday, July 5, 2008


Alyssa's headstone was placed this week. I have to thank my cousin, Ron Cohee (yes, you can google him!) for drawing the beautiful princess just for Alyssa.

The second picture is Alyssa's big sister and her nephew :) Yes, she was also an auntie!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Today is an emotional day. First off I am just emotional, due to pregnancy. Second I am just emotional because I am a grieving mother. Both of these reasons seem to spill over into every thought, every word out of my mouth. And sometimes I assume I might be just a lil bit ummm bitchy. Sorry I can't think of any other word.

I wake up in the morning to straighten up the living room before my day care kids get here. And there is a mess everywhere! I asked Chris to clean his mess before he came to bed at 2AM. I suppose after playing video games for 5 hours your fingers are tired and can't pick up your trash and mess. So I let him know this. And started our day off wrong.

He left without saying good-bye or giving me a kiss. It broke my heart. I'm sorry I was mean first thing in the morning, and I should have told him with more patience, but sometimes these days that doesn't work. My feelings and sadness that I try and keep deep down where no one can see them seem to come out and in the wrong way. It's hard to explain to someone how your grief can take over your body and affect everything you do and say.

I hope when he gets home he understands. I love him so much.

I also recieved a call from the funeral home and Alyssa's headstone is being placed today. I know that is going to be hard to see her lil name in stone in the ground. My baby....I don't know how I can ever EVER feel complete again without her in my arms...

How can I ever be fair to another baby when I miss her so much?