Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Today is an emotional day. First off I am just emotional, due to pregnancy. Second I am just emotional because I am a grieving mother. Both of these reasons seem to spill over into every thought, every word out of my mouth. And sometimes I assume I might be just a lil bit ummm bitchy. Sorry I can't think of any other word.

I wake up in the morning to straighten up the living room before my day care kids get here. And there is a mess everywhere! I asked Chris to clean his mess before he came to bed at 2AM. I suppose after playing video games for 5 hours your fingers are tired and can't pick up your trash and mess. So I let him know this. And started our day off wrong.

He left without saying good-bye or giving me a kiss. It broke my heart. I'm sorry I was mean first thing in the morning, and I should have told him with more patience, but sometimes these days that doesn't work. My feelings and sadness that I try and keep deep down where no one can see them seem to come out and in the wrong way. It's hard to explain to someone how your grief can take over your body and affect everything you do and say.

I hope when he gets home he understands. I love him so much.

I also recieved a call from the funeral home and Alyssa's headstone is being placed today. I know that is going to be hard to see her lil name in stone in the ground. My baby....I don't know how I can ever EVER feel complete again without her in my arms...

How can I ever be fair to another baby when I miss her so much?

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