Friday, September 26, 2008

Mad at the World...

I just don't know why things can't go right for me. I don't ask for much, I never ask to spend money or buy myself things. I stay home the majority of the time and am content. The one time I do ask for something, of course it won't come through for me.

I've had a hard couple days to begin with. My mother in law is here visiting and even though I shouldn't be upset I am mad. I don't want to sound like I expect people to help us because I DON'T! I've always worked and taken care of myself with the exception of being home pregnant with a high risk baby. We asked the in law's if they could help with Nadine's lawyer since we can't afford it. I assumed they would feel strongly about her not getting taken away to a person who doesn't even know her. I guess I was wrong.

I was told how broke they were and I completly understood. I mean hey, we are in the same boat. So I wasn't upset about it. Until she got here from CA. The whole time she has been here she has been using her credit card and buying things for her other grand daughter (who is an adult by the way). But she is broke right? Then she tells us how when she gets home they are buying a 50 inch flat screen for the extra bedroom. Nice! I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful for what we do have, but how can a 50 inch tv be more important that helping her son? By the way we have NEVER asked them for help before.

To top off me being upset....she doesn't want to go to Alyssa's grave. I was devestated to the point my soul hurts. How can she just laugh it off about she doesn't want to go, that it might be too hard?

TOO HARD?!?!?!?!?!

Does nobody understand what I have been through in the past year? Too hard? I don't want to hear it. It's too hard for me to wake up in the morning missing my daughter. It is too hard for me to not worry about this baby growing inside me. Sometimes it's just too hard for me to breathe. But I still do it.

I think a lot of this emotion is I'm now 21 weeks. Only one more week and I will be as far along as when Alyssa was born. I had an appointment today to find out the sex of the baby, but of course something else had to be done for some else (I'm not even getting into that now I will scream) and I had to miss my ultrasound. I've been obsessing about it, I need to know what this baby is. I need to bond with this baby more, I needed to know if this is my son or daughter. I needed to know for my own sanity. I guess I'm the only one who understands that.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Life is just...HECTIC! I don't know how else to describe it. But I do want to answer a few questions I've gotten.

First off, we live in a smaller midwest area and we aren't offered lawyers appointed by the court here, well basically if you aren't in jail you won't get one from the state.

Second, I have checked with EVERY lawyer in the phone book and there is no one who will take a child custody case pro bono. Just won't happen. I've tried.

So with that answered, we are still working on raising money and am SOOO thankful for those few who have donated. Expect something in the mail from us soon :)

On the baby front I am doing good. Still have to wait until Oct. 8th to hopefully find out the sex of the baby. I do feel him moving more which is a good sign.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Nadine's Lawyer Fund...

Dear Friends & Family,

I am sending this message to all the people in our lifes who know us and Nadine. Recently we were served with papers stating that Nadine's biological "mother" in California is trying to get custody of Nadine. She doesn't even know her and has never made a full attempt to be in her life! She is a drug addict and a convicted thief. She has never done anything for Nadine in the form of financial or any other way. We are stuck in a very hard place, a lawyer is going to cost us over $2000, something we cannot just come up with. We are asking everyone to please help in anyway. A donation of $5, $10, anything! Also if you would like to repost this on your MySpace or email it would help us. If we don't have a lawyer by next week, there is a court date in CA and if we don't have a lawyer they will grant her whatever she wants. This means that she would get a court order and could come and take her away from us. Her family has already told us, once she gets Nadine to CA she won't bring her back.

I've set up an online donation page, which also has a more detailed explanation on it. Please pass it on if you like.

To make donations, please go to this page or message me and I will give you my info to mail a check or money order. If you can't make a donation THAT IS FINE! Just please please pray for my baby girl.

It is hard for me to post this. Most people don't even know Nadine isn't my biological daughter. I've never ever wanted her to be treated different if we had other kids, which we are now pregnant as you know. I didn't want anyone to view my relationship with her as "Oh that's not her real mom" because I am her real mom! The only mom she knows.

I also hate asking for money. There are so many scams and chain letters online, and this is not one! I am willing to share and be open with everything to those who do donate. Please help us in any way you can!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Prayer Needed!

I am asking everyone to PLEASE PLEASE pray for my baby. I went in for my 18 week ultrasound yesterday, and even though everything looked normal I am terrified. Let me explain.

I am Diabetic. I have high blood pressure. I have had 1 miscarriage. I lost my daughter at 22 weeks into my last pregnancy. We still really have no reason why Alyssa was born so early other than I did have an infection in my placenta, but the doctors can't determine if I got that before or after my water broke with her.

Because of all these risk factors, and also because I wasn't on any medication for my diabetes after I had Alyssa (my insurance was cut off after I had her, yes I have Medicaid) I am at more risk for having a baby premature.

The doctors also told us because of my diabetes I have a 25% chance of this baby having some kind of birth defects. I am terrified! I am so scared, so sad, so lonely thinking about how my baby could be affected in any way. I am keeping good control of my diabetes, taking insulin, and checking my sugars regularly.

Will this baby have something wrong? I don't know. Does the ultrasound look good so far? YES!!! Thank God!

I am given so many sad and heart breaking chances of this baby having either a birth defect, or even the possibility of still birth. Does this mean that this will happen? NO! This means my baby needs all the prayer his/her little body needs to be born healthy!

There is so much more I want to get off my chest and blog about, but my heart is heavy and I'm scared.