Friday, September 26, 2008

Mad at the World...

I just don't know why things can't go right for me. I don't ask for much, I never ask to spend money or buy myself things. I stay home the majority of the time and am content. The one time I do ask for something, of course it won't come through for me.

I've had a hard couple days to begin with. My mother in law is here visiting and even though I shouldn't be upset I am mad. I don't want to sound like I expect people to help us because I DON'T! I've always worked and taken care of myself with the exception of being home pregnant with a high risk baby. We asked the in law's if they could help with Nadine's lawyer since we can't afford it. I assumed they would feel strongly about her not getting taken away to a person who doesn't even know her. I guess I was wrong.

I was told how broke they were and I completly understood. I mean hey, we are in the same boat. So I wasn't upset about it. Until she got here from CA. The whole time she has been here she has been using her credit card and buying things for her other grand daughter (who is an adult by the way). But she is broke right? Then she tells us how when she gets home they are buying a 50 inch flat screen for the extra bedroom. Nice! I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful for what we do have, but how can a 50 inch tv be more important that helping her son? By the way we have NEVER asked them for help before.

To top off me being upset....she doesn't want to go to Alyssa's grave. I was devestated to the point my soul hurts. How can she just laugh it off about she doesn't want to go, that it might be too hard?

TOO HARD?!?!?!?!?!

Does nobody understand what I have been through in the past year? Too hard? I don't want to hear it. It's too hard for me to wake up in the morning missing my daughter. It is too hard for me to not worry about this baby growing inside me. Sometimes it's just too hard for me to breathe. But I still do it.

I think a lot of this emotion is I'm now 21 weeks. Only one more week and I will be as far along as when Alyssa was born. I had an appointment today to find out the sex of the baby, but of course something else had to be done for some else (I'm not even getting into that now I will scream) and I had to miss my ultrasound. I've been obsessing about it, I need to know what this baby is. I need to bond with this baby more, I needed to know if this is my son or daughter. I needed to know for my own sanity. I guess I'm the only one who understands that.


Michelle said...

I'm so sorry about everything your going through. You and your family are in my prayers.
Michelle in AZ

JustMelisAll said...

Oh sometimes people can be awful! And I don't want to sound mean but unless they have been there they don't understand how difficult it is to ask for that help and how deeply it is needed.

This 22 weeks along is scary i know. Its just a few more weeks before they consider the babies "viable" and is right where we lost them before. So close but so far.

I think knowing the sex has helped me bond with my little man a lot. As hard as it is i try and keep myself in a headspace that he is going to make it and be ok. Buying baby boy clothes has helped so much and its such a good excuse! Good luck, your in my thoughts.

JustMelisAll said...

Oh and one more thing...

You have every right to be mad at the world and angry and hurt... dont ever let anyone tell you any different. Its normal and I believe in some ways healthy to let yourself feel that.

Michele said...

I am so sorry. The emotion of being pregnant after a loss, especially high risk, is rough. Some days I don't know how to get through it. And the thing about the grave- I am SO SORRY! We haven't experienced that. We had our babies cremated and the grandparents are open about seeing their box and their pictures (which we have posted throughout the house). My MIL is even making stockings for them for Christmas so we can hang them with ours.