I just don't know why things can't go right for me. I don't ask for much, I never ask to spend money or buy myself things. I stay home the majority of the time and am content. The one time I do ask for something, of course it won't come through for me.
I've had a hard couple days to begin with. My mother in law is here visiting and even though I shouldn't be upset I am mad. I don't want to sound like I expect people to help us because I DON'T! I've always worked and taken care of myself with the exception of being home pregnant with a high risk baby. We asked the in law's if they could help with Nadine's lawyer since we can't afford it. I assumed they would feel strongly about her not getting taken away to a person who doesn't even know her. I guess I was wrong.
I was told how broke they were and I completly understood. I mean hey, we are in the same boat. So I wasn't upset about it. Until she got here from CA. The whole time she has been here she has been using her credit card and buying things for her other grand daughter (who is an adult by the way). But she is broke right? Then she tells us how when she gets home they are buying a 50 inch flat screen for the extra bedroom. Nice! I don't mean to sound bitchy or ungrateful for what we do have, but how can a 50 inch tv be more important that helping her son? By the way we have NEVER asked them for help before.
To top off me being upset....she doesn't want to go to Alyssa's grave. I was devestated to the point my soul hurts. How can she just laugh it off about she doesn't want to go, that it might be too hard?
Does nobody understand what I have been through in the past year? Too hard? I don't want to hear it. It's too hard for me to wake up in the morning missing my daughter. It is too hard for me to not worry about this baby growing inside me. Sometimes it's just too hard for me to breathe. But I still do it.
I think a lot of this emotion is I'm now 21 weeks. Only one more week and I will be as far along as when Alyssa was born. I had an appointment today to find out the sex of the baby, but of course something else had to be done for some else (I'm not even getting into that now I will scream) and I had to miss my ultrasound. I've been obsessing about it, I need to know what this baby is. I need to bond with this baby more, I needed to know if this is my son or daughter. I needed to know for my own sanity. I guess I'm the only one who understands that.