Saturday, July 12, 2008

It Hurts So Bad...

Last night me and Chris went to St. Louis to pick up his friend from the airport. It's our first time being away at all since I had Alyssa. We haven't left Nadine with anyone in over 2 years I think. It was hard leaving her, but happy at the same time knowing I need some time away. We rented a car and even stayed at Harrah's Casino. No, we didn't win anything!

On the way to STL we got Jack in the Box! We don't have one here and being from CA we are used to them being on every corner. I definetley felt the pregnant food cravings as soon as we were there and I grubbed! Chris looked at me and said "I'm sad" and of course I asked why??

"Alyssa never got Jack in the Box and this baby does."

My heart broke. There are so many things Alyssa never experienced, so many things we never ever will get to do with her. How do you deal with the fact your child is never had the chance to grow up and just be with us. I can't stop crying as I type this thinking of everything Chris, Alyssa, and me missed out on. Why is life so unfair?

We don't talk much about me being pregnant. It will be different after Wed when I go to the doctor. I pray that they find a heartbeat. Please God, let this baby be healthy. Please pray for me if anyone is reading this. I never imagined when I was younger I would have such problems with pregnancy. It's suppossed to be natural and something a woman's body is just suppossed to do. So what is wrong with me? One premature angel...all in a year.

Oh! Sidetrack for a minute...the room number at the casino was 222...Alyssa's birthday. I pray my baby girl is sending me a sign that she is protecting over this baby. Please baby Mommy heal.

I think every mother has the feeling that her child is apart of her, something that was made out of herself. I will always have a piece of me missing no matter what because Alyssa isn't here with me. And sometimes I just wish people could understand that, I can NEVER replace or get over her. As you might guess I've had some bad experience with comments about "just moving on". It's not possible.

On the ride home I was fine until we were about 10 miles from home. The pain and sadness overcame my whole body. Have you ever been so sad your whole body aches? Your whole being is so sad it's painful to even breathe...

Please God help me breathe.

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