Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I am starting to get anxious about the birth of our little Smubby. My husband tells me I need to think calm, that everything is okay and we don't have to worry. I try telling myself the same thing but I had to explain to him the other night that no matter if there are no problems with this pregnancy, that everything seems to be fine...I'm not a normal pregnant woman.

I mean yes, I am normal. And at the same time I am not. I am a mother who has gone through childbirth and had a beautiful baby girl. An innocent and pure angel from God who I was only with a few short hours. I went home from the hospital the way I came in. Without a baby in my arms. There is no worse feeling as a mother than leaving the hospital that you entered so full of hope, without a baby. To be wheeled out feeling so alone, so hopeless, so confused about everything that just happened.

Even if I have 10 more babies it will never be the same. I can never again be a mother who goes into the hospital without any fear of something going wrong. In my heart I know this baby is going to be born healthy and fine. In fact I suspect he will be born overdue just to mess with Mommy's pretty little head! Even though I believe this, my heart also tells my mind a million other things that I shouldn't be thinking, that a normal mother wouldn't even dream of going through her mind.

I pray that my anxiety will go away. I pray Alyssa is with me every step of every day and that she will give Mommy the strength that I need to make it through. I pray somewhere she is smiling down on me, thankful that I am giving her a baby brother.


Michele said...

You summed up how I feel exactly. Mothers like us will always be different because we know the horror of what can go wrong. I feel just like you. This little one is such a blessing and I just **know** she's going to be alright... But then, those fears start eating at me and that devil on my shoulder keeps telling me how fine Nicholas and Sophia were and we still lost them... It's so hard. And so few understand. But I truly believe our positive thoughts to our little ones mean so much, just like their little brother and sister, and in your case sister, are watching over these little sweet peas we carry.

Erica said...

Hi there.
I found your blog this evening. I hope and pray that your pregnancy continues to be healthy and well. I know the heartache you are talking about and sadly we have lost a child as well 7 months ago. May God continue to watch over you and the child in your womb