Anxious...

I am starting to get anxious about the birth of our little Smubby. My husband tells me I need to think calm, that everything is okay and we don't have to worry. I try telling myself the same thing but I had to explain to him the other night that no matter if there are no problems with this pregnancy, that everything seems to be fine...I'm not a normal pregnant woman.

I mean yes, I am normal. And at the same time I am not. I am a mother who has gone through childbirth and had a beautiful baby girl. An innocent and pure angel from God who I was only with a few short hours. I went home from the hospital the way I came in. Without a baby in my arms. There is no worse feeling as a mother than leaving the hospital that you entered so full of hope, without a baby. To be wheeled out feeling so alone, so hopeless, so confused about everything that just happened.

Even if I have 10 more babies it will never be the same. I can never again be a mother who goes into the hospital without any fear of something going wrong. In my heart I know this baby is going to be born healthy and fine. In fact I suspect he will be born overdue just to mess with Mommy's pretty little head! Even though I believe this, my heart also tells my mind a million other things that I shouldn't be thinking, that a normal mother wouldn't even dream of going through her mind.

I pray that my anxiety will go away. I pray Alyssa is with me every step of every day and that she will give Mommy the strength that I need to make it through. I pray somewhere she is smiling down on me, thankful that I am giving her a baby brother.