Monday, August 25, 2008

6 Months...

note...
This post should have been done earlier...on the 22nd to be exact, but I have been holding out not finishing it. Maybe in the hope that it won't hurt so much.

The 22nd, 6 months...

I don't even know where to start with this entry. I just want to sit here and gush my broken heart out to the whole world about how much I miss my baby girl. How I am hurting so deep inside that I don't know if anyone is capable of really seeing the depth's of my pain. My mind jog's from place to place in no particular order, no rhyme or reason.

I've been a mother who left the hospital without her child, a mother who will never ever hold her baby again until I meet her in Heaven, a mother who crys every single day because "why me?!?." A mother who is in such pain that I can't take it...I can't imagine ever just being okay without having Alyssa here with me. A mother who feels so torn about this new baby growing inside me that I don't know how to feel anymore.

Please, please don't get me wrong. I am blessed to be pregnant again and I believe it was God's way for me to be carrying this child. I want this baby more than anything. But there are so many emotions I have to deal with and that I need prayer for. I love this baby growing inside me more than words can ever explain. But I am scared.

Scared that something will happen with this baby....scared that somewhere Alyssa is mad at me for getting pregnant so soon, scared people think I am replacing my daughter. Which I am not! Nothing ever in this world would replace her. NOTHING!

Today my daughter would be 6 months old. She would be laughing and coo'ing and wearing cute little bows in her hair. Today I would be holding my Alyssa and kissing her and laughing at how adorable she was, a perfect combination of her Mommy and Daddy.

Today I cry. Today I long for the warmth of her little body next to mine. Today I mourn for a baby who was never given a chance, who never got to come home with us and be loved like we wanted to love her. Today I am mad...I am angry, I want to break everything in my house and scream at the top of my lungs "WHY MY BABY!!!!"

Today I embrace Alyssa's memory and ask God to protect her always. I pray for myself to find comfort in knowing she will never feel pain, she will never have a broken heart, she will never know the evil's of this world. She will only know peace and love and beauty in Heaven.

3 comments:

mamma2 said...

If you go to http://tstapes.blogspot.com/ This gal also lost her baby. It might help you some to see that you are both feeling a lot alike.

Jenny said...

I read your blog every now and then and my heart breaks for you. There are no words that I could say that would offer you comfort. All I can say is that I hope you feel peace and joy in the little things... I hope you feel Alyssa in the summer breeze, see her beauty in the sunsets and remember how sweet she was when you see your favorite flower. Hugs to you

Niki said...

Nikki, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your precious, little Alyssa. My heart aches for others who have know my pain. It is clear that Alyssa was loved and continues to be loved and remembered by her mommy.

I too have worried that Myles would be upset with me for trying again. I've felt like I was betraying him or being disloyal to him. I know that I am not tyring to replace him, yet I still feel guilty. I have to believe that our sweet little babies want happiness for us. Therefore, Alyssa is likely smiling down on you and your wee one as we speak. Thinking of you, your husband, daughter, and Alyssa on this difficult anniversary. ((HUGS))