This post should have been done earlier...on the 22nd to be exact, but I have been holding out not finishing it. Maybe in the hope that it won't hurt so much.
The 22nd, 6 months...
I don't even know where to start with this entry. I just want to sit here and gush my broken heart out to the whole world about how much I miss my baby girl. How I am hurting so deep inside that I don't know if anyone is capable of really seeing the depth's of my pain. My mind jog's from place to place in no particular order, no rhyme or reason.
I've been a mother who left the hospital without her child, a mother who will never ever hold her baby again until I meet her in Heaven, a mother who crys every single day because "why me?!?." A mother who is in such pain that I can't take it...I can't imagine ever just being okay without having Alyssa here with me. A mother who feels so torn about this new baby growing inside me that I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please, please don't get me wrong. I am blessed to be pregnant again and I believe it was God's way for me to be carrying this child. I want this baby more than anything. But there are so many emotions I have to deal with and that I need prayer for. I love this baby growing inside me more than words can ever explain. But I am scared.
Scared that something will happen with this baby....scared that somewhere Alyssa is mad at me for getting pregnant so soon, scared people think I am replacing my daughter. Which I am not! Nothing ever in this world would replace her. NOTHING!
Today my daughter would be 6 months old. She would be laughing and coo'ing and wearing cute little bows in her hair. Today I would be holding my Alyssa and kissing her and laughing at how adorable she was, a perfect combination of her Mommy and Daddy.
Today I cry. Today I long for the warmth of her little body next to mine. Today I mourn for a baby who was never given a chance, who never got to come home with us and be loved like we wanted to love her. Today I am mad...I am angry, I want to break everything in my house and scream at the top of my lungs "WHY MY BABY!!!!"
Today I embrace Alyssa's memory and ask God to protect her always. I pray for myself to find comfort in knowing she will never feel pain, she will never have a broken heart, she will never know the evil's of this world. She will only know peace and love and beauty in Heaven.