Wednesday, August 20, 2008

And there she goes...

So my baby is officially a kindy-gardener! Atleast that is what she says :) I can't begin to describe how proud of her I am, and how I know this is just the beginning of wonderful experiences for her.

Getting ready for school was not all fun for me. My poor daughter is scared. She told me she is scared Mommy will have the baby too early again and she will have to quit school (when I had Alyssa she was in preschool and I kind of gave up on everything so she didn't go back). My poor 5 year old is worried about Mommy being home alone.

"I don't want this baby to die Mommy."

How do you deal with this? It pains me to the very core of my soul. No 5 year old should have to deal with death like this. It is so unfair! Nadine constantly talks to Alyssa in the sky and is wanting to send her things, such as a jacket cause she says she know's she is cold. It breaks my heart.

I feel horrible and guilty that while I stay at home and sleep (which I do a lot of lately) baby girl is worrying that Mommy isn't in the hospital, and that the baby is still alive. I pray for us all constantly and feel in my heart that this baby will be here with us safe and healthy.

I used to be able to write my heart out and express every little feeling inside with ease. But since Alyssa is gone I feel my words stay more in my head and are unable to come out. It's too painful to actually let the words come out.

As I write this post my mom called to tell me she has left her boyfriend. I can't handle her stress too right now. My mom has always been a lil...well...crazy. After my dad died she has never been the same, it's been over 20 years and she is finally happy. But it seems as soon as she is happy she runs from it and finds a reason not to be happy. I love my mom more than anything, but I can't deal with her being sad and upset too. It's too much for my heart right now.


Anna said...

Got to your blog from Angie / Audrey Caroline's ... I pray all goes well for you this pregnancy!

JustMelisAll said...

I was reading back to some of your posts from before I came across your blog... this just breaks my heart. I was fortunate that my daughter was barely 9 months old when we lost our son, way too little to have any idea of what happened. She can deal with it as she learns more over time when she is ready.
I can not imagine what a weight this is. You are so strong and brave, I know as a mommy you don't have a choice and don't always feel that way... but to have even made it to where you are shows nothing short of incredible resilience. Mother's are capable of amazing things.