Thursday, August 7, 2008

Scarey Dreams...

One of the major pregnancy symptoms I have is weird dreams, scarey dreams, just way far out dreams. It's actually how I knew I was pregnant this time. I just don't dream like this normally. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all or affect me at all and sometimes it makes me wake up in tears.

Last night was on of the tear nights.

Ok let me set this up a little bit. I have been thinking about when this baby is born that no matter what because I am Diabetic they will take my baby into the NICU to monitor it's sugars and make sure in general everything is ok. This has been making me feel on the verge of panic attacks this last week.

Now to the dream...I am in the hospital having this baby and right after he is born they take him away. I'm disorented from the drugs and don't know what's going on or where they are taking my baby. All I can do is scream.

"Where are they taking ALYSSA!!!"

I keep asking for Alyssa over and over again. No one says anything to me. I wake up.

This is the type of dream that hurts me into my soul. My poor precious baby girl in Heaven. She never leaves my mind and as much as it might seem horrible to say, I don't even stop thinking of her to bond with this new baby in my tummy. I miss my baby girl with every ounce of my body and always will. But I love this new baby more than anything too...and I feel guilty for it. Am I betraying Alyssa? Does she know I'm not replacing her? Does she hear my prayers to her?

I pray my baby girl gives me the strength from the lil cloud she is resting on to make it through anything that happens emotionally.

I also told Chris this would be the last baby. There is no way I could ever watch him go through the pain of loosing his baby girl ever again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I pray with all my heart this pregnancy keeps going along uncomplicated and we have our healthy baby boy/girl. I know some people might think "why isnt she more positive about her pregnancy?!?!?" and I think the same thing. When I was pregnant with Alyssa I was so confident she would be born so beautiful and healthy and what a great life we would give her. Now all that is left is memories.

Is there any possible way to move on? Do I want to? I just want to be at peace with what has happened and know my daughter is safe in God's arms.


Lauren said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I know that I'll go through the same emotions when I get pregnant again and honestly, it scares me too.

I'm keeping you in my prayers and asking God to surround you and bring you peace.

Devon Rene said...

I found your blog from My Charming Kids...

I lost my twin boys at 23 weeks this past March. I am scared to death to be pregnant again and yet want it so badly.

Wishing you ALL the best!