Scarey Dreams...

One of the major pregnancy symptoms I have is weird dreams, scarey dreams, just way far out dreams. It's actually how I knew I was pregnant this time. I just don't dream like this normally. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all or affect me at all and sometimes it makes me wake up in tears.

Last night was on of the tear nights.

Ok let me set this up a little bit. I have been thinking about when this baby is born that no matter what because I am Diabetic they will take my baby into the NICU to monitor it's sugars and make sure in general everything is ok. This has been making me feel on the verge of panic attacks this last week.

Now to the dream...I am in the hospital having this baby and right after he is born they take him away. I'm disorented from the drugs and don't know what's going on or where they are taking my baby. All I can do is scream.

"Where are they taking ALYSSA!!!"

I keep asking for Alyssa over and over again. No one says anything to me. I wake up.

This is the type of dream that hurts me into my soul. My poor precious baby girl in Heaven. She never leaves my mind and as much as it might seem horrible to say, I don't even stop thinking of her to bond with this new baby in my tummy. I miss my baby girl with every ounce of my body and always will. But I love this new baby more than anything too...and I feel guilty for it. Am I betraying Alyssa? Does she know I'm not replacing her? Does she hear my prayers to her?

I pray my baby girl gives me the strength from the lil cloud she is resting on to make it through anything that happens emotionally.

I also told Chris this would be the last baby. There is no way I could ever watch him go through the pain of loosing his baby girl ever again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I pray with all my heart this pregnancy keeps going along uncomplicated and we have our healthy baby boy/girl. I know some people might think "why isnt she more positive about her pregnancy?!?!?" and I think the same thing. When I was pregnant with Alyssa I was so confident she would be born so beautiful and healthy and what a great life we would give her. Now all that is left is memories.

Is there any possible way to move on? Do I want to? I just want to be at peace with what has happened and know my daughter is safe in God's arms.

Ultrasound...

This is 12 weeks 3 days, isn't he perfect!

Doing Good..

Things are going pretty good! I saw the high risk OB doc this week and was able to get an ultrasound of the baby (I will post later on when I get the scanner hooked up grrr). He (everyone is calling this lil one "He" already, wishful thinking) looked perfect! I was so happy to see his little heart beating so strong. Nothing could have been greater.

The doc of course went through all the risks and complications going along with my Diabetes and high blood pressure. Also since I've had a premature baby, I'm more at risk for another one. This terrifys me, I don't know how I could handle loosing another child.

PLEASE PLEASE if you pray....pray for my baby to be born healthy. Thank you!

I am going to be starting a shot called 17P, and I'm not too familiar with it just yet. I know only one pharmacy here locally carries it, and insurnace won't pay. But the doc said it reduces risk of premature baby by 30% so we want to try it. Anything that helps this baby get a healthy 9 months we are pretty much willing to do.

I need to blog more. I need to be closer to God. Anyone know of online bible study or group?

First OB Appt...

Just a quick note, today was my first OB appt! I prayed so hard to see the lil heartbeat, and God answered my prayers.

Heartbeat 180. The tech told me "You have a beautiful baby, text book perfect there could be nothing more perfect and healthy about the development."

I am so happy...and so scared. I need to write more. I might change to a different blog since I don't really have devoted readers on this one, I would love more!

It Hurts So Bad...

Last night me and Chris went to St. Louis to pick up his friend from the airport. It's our first time being away at all since I had Alyssa. We haven't left Nadine with anyone in over 2 years I think. It was hard leaving her, but happy at the same time knowing I need some time away. We rented a car and even stayed at Harrah's Casino. No, we didn't win anything!

On the way to STL we got Jack in the Box! We don't have one here and being from CA we are used to them being on every corner. I definetley felt the pregnant food cravings as soon as we were there and I grubbed! Chris looked at me and said "I'm sad" and of course I asked why??

"Alyssa never got Jack in the Box and this baby does."

My heart broke. There are so many things Alyssa never experienced, so many things we never ever will get to do with her. How do you deal with the fact your child is never had the chance to grow up and just be with us. I can't stop crying as I type this thinking of everything Chris, Alyssa, and me missed out on. Why is life so unfair?

We don't talk much about me being pregnant. It will be different after Wed when I go to the doctor. I pray that they find a heartbeat. Please God, let this baby be healthy. Please pray for me if anyone is reading this. I never imagined when I was younger I would have such problems with pregnancy. It's suppossed to be natural and something a woman's body is just suppossed to do. So what is wrong with me? One miscarriage...one premature angel...all in a year.

Oh! Sidetrack for a minute...the room number at the casino was 222...Alyssa's birthday. I pray my baby girl is sending me a sign that she is protecting over this baby. Please baby girl...help Mommy heal.

I think every mother has the feeling that her child is apart of her, something that was made out of herself. I will always have a piece of me missing no matter what because Alyssa isn't here with me. And sometimes I just wish people could understand that, I can NEVER replace or get over her. As you might guess I've had some bad experience with comments about "just moving on". It's not possible.

On the ride home I was fine until we were about 10 miles from home. The pain and sadness overcame my whole body. Have you ever been so sad your whole body aches? Your whole being is so sad it's painful to even breathe...

Please God help me breathe.

Headstone...

Alyssa's headstone was placed this week. I have to thank my cousin, Ron Cohee (yes, you can google him!) for drawing the beautiful princess just for Alyssa.

The second picture is Alyssa's big sister and her nephew :) Yes, she was also an auntie!

Today is an emotional day. First off I am just emotional, due to pregnancy. Second I am just emotional because I am a grieving mother. Both of these reasons seem to spill over into every thought, every word out of my mouth. And sometimes I assume I might be just a lil bit ummm bitchy. Sorry I can't think of any other word.

I wake up in the morning to straighten up the living room before my day care kids get here. And there is a mess everywhere! I asked Chris to clean his mess before he came to bed at 2AM. I suppose after playing video games for 5 hours your fingers are tired and can't pick up your trash and mess. So I let him know this. And started our day off wrong.

He left without saying good-bye or giving me a kiss. It broke my heart. I'm sorry I was mean first thing in the morning, and I should have told him with more patience, but sometimes these days that doesn't work. My feelings and sadness that I try and keep deep down where no one can see them seem to come out and in the wrong way. It's hard to explain to someone how your grief can take over your body and affect everything you do and say.

I hope when he gets home he understands. I love him so much.

I also recieved a call from the funeral home and Alyssa's headstone is being placed today. I know that is going to be hard to see her lil name in stone in the ground. My baby....I don't know how I can ever EVER feel complete again without her in my arms...

How can I ever be fair to another baby when I miss her so much?