Always Blessings, Never Losses...

I am obsessed with John Edward. I can't even believe I left my cozy lil spot on the couch and his marathon to come share this with everyone. But I had to.

I was watching an episode with a family who lost a 4 year old to cancer. To make a long story short, John asks the mom how she made it through everything and had such a great energy around her.

"I don't know how I made it through" she answered. John told her no, she must have had something that helped her.

"I always say "Always blessings, never losses"

WOW. I cried my eyes out thinking about Alyssa. About how through all my grief, all my pain, everything I've been through I am still BLESSED. Does this saying change my life, make me be a mother who isn't grieving anymore? Not at all. But it gives me a reason to think of the blessings, not the pain.

I am BLESSED to be Alyssa's mommy. I am BLESSED to be the only person in this whole wide world who was with this beautiful baby from the moment she was concieved to the moment her heart stopped beating and she was in God's arms.

I am BLESSED to be having Alyssa's sibling. I am BLESSED God is giving me the chance to have a lil piece of my daughter here with me, that she will live on in our hearts and memories.

I am BLESSED to have a wonderful husband who has done nothing but hold me up and give me strength when I thought there was no way to go on.

I am BLESSED to have the chance to have people all over know about Alyssa. I am BLESSED that she was here with me and I told her I loved her, some mother's never even have that chance.

Now my mission is to go to a John Edward reading. He is going to be about 3 hours away next year, and I am going to be saving money now to go. It will cost $175 per person for me and Chris to go. And guess what? It's on Chris' birthday. I think it's a sign. It's also right around Alyssa's due date.

Company...

So my mom and her...ugh...her boyfriend are coming in from California today to spend some time with us. Long story about the boyfriend thing, I know I am too old to be grossed out by it but I just am!

I might not be back on till Monday so thought I would just let everyone know I found the most wonderful OB doc for me to see. YAYYYYY!!! If you know my past history, I have had a slew of doctors who really seemed to know nothing bout birthin no babies!

I feel real confident and super excited with this new doc. He sat down with us and answered all our questions and was very helpful. It makes me feel better to know I have a doctor who know's what he is talking about and is there to help me. Thank you God!

Ok that's it for now. I am babysitting my grandbaby (hehe my oldest step daughter's son) and I can hear him knocking everything down in the living room :)

6 Months...

note...
This post should have been done earlier...on the 22nd to be exact, but I have been holding out not finishing it. Maybe in the hope that it won't hurt so much.

The 22nd, 6 months...

I don't even know where to start with this entry. I just want to sit here and gush my broken heart out to the whole world about how much I miss my baby girl. How I am hurting so deep inside that I don't know if anyone is capable of really seeing the depth's of my pain. My mind jog's from place to place in no particular order, no rhyme or reason.

I've been a mother who left the hospital without her child, a mother who will never ever hold her baby again until I meet her in Heaven, a mother who crys every single day because "why me?!?." A mother who is in such pain that I can't take it...I can't imagine ever just being okay without having Alyssa here with me. A mother who feels so torn about this new baby growing inside me that I don't know how to feel anymore.

Please, please don't get me wrong. I am blessed to be pregnant again and I believe it was God's way for me to be carrying this child. I want this baby more than anything. But there are so many emotions I have to deal with and that I need prayer for. I love this baby growing inside me more than words can ever explain. But I am scared.

Scared that something will happen with this baby....scared that somewhere Alyssa is mad at me for getting pregnant so soon, scared people think I am replacing my daughter. Which I am not! Nothing ever in this world would replace her. NOTHING!

Today my daughter would be 6 months old. She would be laughing and coo'ing and wearing cute little bows in her hair. Today I would be holding my Alyssa and kissing her and laughing at how adorable she was, a perfect combination of her Mommy and Daddy.

Today I cry. Today I long for the warmth of her little body next to mine. Today I mourn for a baby who was never given a chance, who never got to come home with us and be loved like we wanted to love her. Today I am mad...I am angry, I want to break everything in my house and scream at the top of my lungs "WHY MY BABY!!!!"

Today I embrace Alyssa's memory and ask God to protect her always. I pray for myself to find comfort in knowing she will never feel pain, she will never have a broken heart, she will never know the evil's of this world. She will only know peace and love and beauty in Heaven.

And there she goes...

So my baby is officially a kindy-gardener! Atleast that is what she says :) I can't begin to describe how proud of her I am, and how I know this is just the beginning of wonderful experiences for her.

Getting ready for school was not all fun for me. My poor daughter is scared. She told me she is scared Mommy will have the baby too early again and she will have to quit school (when I had Alyssa she was in preschool and I kind of gave up on everything so she didn't go back). My poor 5 year old is worried about Mommy being home alone.

"I don't want this baby to die Mommy."

How do you deal with this? It pains me to the very core of my soul. No 5 year old should have to deal with death like this. It is so unfair! Nadine constantly talks to Alyssa in the sky and is wanting to send her things, such as a jacket cause she says she know's she is cold. It breaks my heart.

I feel horrible and guilty that while I stay at home and sleep (which I do a lot of lately)...my baby girl is worrying that Mommy isn't in the hospital, and that the baby is still alive. I pray for us all constantly and feel in my heart that this baby will be here with us safe and healthy.

I used to be able to write my heart out and express every little feeling inside with ease. But since Alyssa is gone I feel my words stay more in my head and are unable to come out. It's too painful to actually let the words come out.

As I write this post my mom called to tell me she has left her boyfriend. I can't handle her stress too right now. My mom has always been a lil...well...crazy. After my dad died she has never been the same, it's been over 20 years and she is finally happy. But it seems as soon as she is happy she runs from it and finds a reason not to be happy. I love my mom more than anything, but I can't deal with her being sad and upset too. It's too much for my heart right now.

Scarey Dreams...

One of the major pregnancy symptoms I have is weird dreams, scarey dreams, just way far out dreams. It's actually how I knew I was pregnant this time. I just don't dream like this normally. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all or affect me at all and sometimes it makes me wake up in tears.

Last night was on of the tear nights.

Ok let me set this up a little bit. I have been thinking about when this baby is born that no matter what because I am Diabetic they will take my baby into the NICU to monitor it's sugars and make sure in general everything is ok. This has been making me feel on the verge of panic attacks this last week.

Now to the dream...I am in the hospital having this baby and right after he is born they take him away. I'm disorented from the drugs and don't know what's going on or where they are taking my baby. All I can do is scream.

"Where are they taking ALYSSA!!!"

I keep asking for Alyssa over and over again. No one says anything to me. I wake up.

This is the type of dream that hurts me into my soul. My poor precious baby girl in Heaven. She never leaves my mind and as much as it might seem horrible to say, I don't even stop thinking of her to bond with this new baby in my tummy. I miss my baby girl with every ounce of my body and always will. But I love this new baby more than anything too...and I feel guilty for it. Am I betraying Alyssa? Does she know I'm not replacing her? Does she hear my prayers to her?

I pray my baby girl gives me the strength from the lil cloud she is resting on to make it through anything that happens emotionally.

I also told Chris this would be the last baby. There is no way I could ever watch him go through the pain of loosing his baby girl ever again. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. I pray with all my heart this pregnancy keeps going along uncomplicated and we have our healthy baby boy/girl. I know some people might think "why isnt she more positive about her pregnancy?!?!?" and I think the same thing. When I was pregnant with Alyssa I was so confident she would be born so beautiful and healthy and what a great life we would give her. Now all that is left is memories.

Is there any possible way to move on? Do I want to? I just want to be at peace with what has happened and know my daughter is safe in God's arms.

Ultrasound...

This is 12 weeks 3 days, isn't he perfect!

Doing Good..

Things are going pretty good! I saw the high risk OB doc this week and was able to get an ultrasound of the baby (I will post later on when I get the scanner hooked up grrr). He (everyone is calling this lil one "He" already, wishful thinking) looked perfect! I was so happy to see his little heart beating so strong. Nothing could have been greater.

The doc of course went through all the risks and complications going along with my Diabetes and high blood pressure. Also since I've had a premature baby, I'm more at risk for another one. This terrifys me, I don't know how I could handle loosing another child.

PLEASE PLEASE if you pray....pray for my baby to be born healthy. Thank you!

I am going to be starting a shot called 17P, and I'm not too familiar with it just yet. I know only one pharmacy here locally carries it, and insurnace won't pay. But the doc said it reduces risk of premature baby by 30% so we want to try it. Anything that helps this baby get a healthy 9 months we are pretty much willing to do.

I need to blog more. I need to be closer to God. Anyone know of online bible study or group?