I am starting to get anxious about the birth of our little Smubby. My husband tells me I need to think calm, that everything is okay and we don't have to worry. I try telling myself the same thing but I had to explain to him the other night that no matter if there are no problems with this pregnancy, that everything seems to be fine...I'm not a normal pregnant woman.
I mean yes, I am normal. And at the same time I am not. I am a mother who has gone through childbirth and had a beautiful baby girl. An innocent and pure angel from God who I was only with a few short hours. I went home from the hospital the way I came in. Without a baby in my arms. There is no worse feeling as a mother than leaving the hospital that you entered so full of hope, without a baby. To be wheeled out feeling so alone, so hopeless, so confused about everything that just happened.
Even if I have 10 more babies it will never be the same. I can never again be a mother who goes into the hospital without any fear of something going wrong. In my heart I know this baby is going to be born healthy and fine. In fact I suspect he will be born overdue just to mess with Mommy's pretty little head! Even though I believe this, my heart also tells my mind a million other things that I shouldn't be thinking, that a normal mother wouldn't even dream of going through her mind.
I pray that my anxiety will go away. I pray Alyssa is with me every step of every day and that she will give Mommy the strength that I need to make it through. I pray somewhere she is smiling down on me, thankful that I am giving her a baby brother.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Angel Mommy Blog Award...
Introducing....The Angel Mommy Blog Award! I've been thinking about this for quite awhile, and I wanted to start an award I would give to all the angel mom's I've met while blogging. I want to share my respect and love for all of us who have lost a child. So here we go!
If you have recieved the Angel Mommy Blog Award I ask the following things -
1. Please place the award in a new blog, or on your blog. But please include the link back to this post as well so everyone can read what this is about! (Link included at the bottom, or ask me how!)
2. Pass this award on to other angel mom's you know, or that you frequent their blog, or new angel mom's who would like to talk to other's who know their pain.
3. Please comment this post so I can see your blog post, or your page! As more people comment, you can also connect with other angel mom's. Tell us about your child if you choose to, so other angel mom's in your same experience can connect with your blog!
Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Had To Share...
I got my stitches out of my ankle today (I have pictures but they are EWWW). It was the first time I had seen my ankle, and the sight of the stitches on both sides was a little nerve wracking. I admit it almost had me to the point of a panic attack. But I now have it in a regular cast, and wanted to share the pic of my X-Ray. Looks like a cartoon!
The doctor did tell me it was a very serious injury, that the break was so bad it tore all the ligaments away from the ankle bones. As you can see, it took a lot to repair.
More blogging this weekend!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Gas Prices WooHoo!
Even though I can't drive for another couple months (grrrrr), I do have to show off how much gas is here. I saw another blog doing the same thing but guess what? Mine's cheaper! lol...move to the midwest! I did from California, and I am constantly teasing my mom bout gas prices hehe.
Also, I was tagged for the first time! That will be up later today.
To my baby girl Alyssa...help Mommy make it through the day sweet angel. Be with me.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Updated...
Since I have so much free time in front of the computer, I decided to update!! I've also changed the name of my blog to "I'll Fly Away", and I will post the song lyrics so you can understand why. My sister used to sing this song to me as a little girl and I can't help but think of Alyssa everytime I hear it.
I am also wanting to meet more mom's who have gone through loosing a child. If you would like to be included in my blog roll, PLEASE leave a comment and I will add you!
ALSO PLEASE FOLLOW MY BLOG! I've added the button on the side bar. If you read my blog, I want to know who you are!
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah,
bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
I am also wanting to meet more mom's who have gone through loosing a child. If you would like to be included in my blog roll, PLEASE leave a comment and I will add you!
ALSO PLEASE FOLLOW MY BLOG! I've added the button on the side bar. If you read my blog, I want to know who you are!
Some glad morning when this life is over,
I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah,
bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown,
I'll fly away.
Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm,
I'll fly away.I'll fly away, O Glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory,I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye,
I'll fly away.
Blah...
BLAH!
That's how I feel lately. It really really ummm did I say really...sucks not being able to walk. I was worried about being put on bed rest the week before the accident and stressed a little about it. But now I feel like I'm on bedrest without the ability to get up and go pee.
Now to a pregnant woman, being able to easily go pee when you want is an extreme issue (atleast I think). Having to get up, get in the wheelchair, wheel to the bathroom, use the walker to get in, and then reverse the process is frustrating! By the way I use the wheelchair because I am terrified that hopping around on that walker all the time is just bouncing this lil boy around. I don't take any risks with the baby.
So after being upset and frustrated that I just can't get up and go pee normally...and I also have to remember to get up in time since the process takes longer! Anyways after frustration comes sadness. I just want to be able to get up and do things. I hate that my wonderful husband has to do everything for me. I feel so guilty asking him to get me things, do something for me, etc. He told me he is my husband, who else would take care of me like this? I know the answer and it's nobody. I try and stay positive and strong for him, he is my strength.
I feel the baby move all the time now. He is an active one! He is now on Alyssa's schedule of waking up at 11Pm every night. I wonder if his angel sister is waking him up at that time to remind mommy they both are here with me? Just something I'd like to think :)
Oh yeah...YAYYYYYY I'm 24 weeks today! To any mother of a child who was born premature you know this is the mark where the doctor's will consider saving your baby if he is born early. Alyssa was born at 22 weeks, the doctors said there was nothing they could do unless she had been 24 weeks. My poor baby was given no chance. But from now on this baby will be given a chance! Let's pray he stays in here for awhile longer though, hopefully till atleast 37 weeks!
That's how I feel lately. It really really ummm did I say really...sucks not being able to walk. I was worried about being put on bed rest the week before the accident and stressed a little about it. But now I feel like I'm on bedrest without the ability to get up and go pee.
Now to a pregnant woman, being able to easily go pee when you want is an extreme issue (atleast I think). Having to get up, get in the wheelchair, wheel to the bathroom, use the walker to get in, and then reverse the process is frustrating! By the way I use the wheelchair because I am terrified that hopping around on that walker all the time is just bouncing this lil boy around. I don't take any risks with the baby.
So after being upset and frustrated that I just can't get up and go pee normally...and I also have to remember to get up in time since the process takes longer! Anyways after frustration comes sadness. I just want to be able to get up and do things. I hate that my wonderful husband has to do everything for me. I feel so guilty asking him to get me things, do something for me, etc. He told me he is my husband, who else would take care of me like this? I know the answer and it's nobody. I try and stay positive and strong for him, he is my strength.
I feel the baby move all the time now. He is an active one! He is now on Alyssa's schedule of waking up at 11Pm every night. I wonder if his angel sister is waking him up at that time to remind mommy they both are here with me? Just something I'd like to think :)
Oh yeah...YAYYYYYY I'm 24 weeks today! To any mother of a child who was born premature you know this is the mark where the doctor's will consider saving your baby if he is born early. Alyssa was born at 22 weeks, the doctors said there was nothing they could do unless she had been 24 weeks. My poor baby was given no chance. But from now on this baby will be given a chance! Let's pray he stays in here for awhile longer though, hopefully till atleast 37 weeks!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Oct. 15th...
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. For the families of babies in Heaven, this is just one day out of 365 days a year we remember our angels.
I ask everyone to please say a prayer for my Alyssa, and to light a candle in her memory at 7pm no matter what your time zone.
Mommy and Daddy miss you so much baby girl and there is never a day we don't think about you and miss you. The pain we have is more than words could ever explain, be with us baby girl as we remember you today and everyday.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Severe Car Accident...
I'm still recovering and in lots of pain so this is what I posted on my MySpace, more details later...
As most of you know we were in a severe car accident last monday. Just wanted to explain it more for all of u who had questions!
We were driving up a 2 lane road that curves and goes slightly uphill. A lady came flying around the corner (it's a 25 zone) on wet pavement and lost control. Me and Chris both saw the accident coming, and he tried to pull over to avoid her but she still hit us head on. It was terrifying!
I'll never forget Chris jumping out of the car screaming about how the lady better hope she didn't kill his baby...it broke my heart, but I kept trying to reassure him my baby wasn't hit. I had a broken leg I knew for sure and I was bleeding from my head. Dini jumped out from the backseat, screaming and crying. My poor baby was so traumitized all she could say was "My mommy's baby, my mommy's baby" over and over.
At the scene I don't remember much. I realized I was bleeding more than a lil and screamed for help. A lady who saw the accident jumped in the backseat, wrapped something around my head and held it until the paramedics came. Everyone was worried about neck injury so I didn't move, just sat there crying, in shock, worried my baby was ok even though it wasn't my belly that hurt.
I was taken into the hospital in the ambulance and worked on in the Trauma ER for 3 hours. I had a severed artery in my head they couldn't control and it had to be worked on for awhile. The blood loss was almost to the point I needed transfusions. Chris and Genny stayed with my the whole time.
The only good thing in trauma was they gave me an ultrasound right away and I will never forget the nurse saying "Look at his lil turtle, it's a boy!" From that point on I knew I had to be strong for my baby miracle, and for Chris who was very traumitized seeing everything I was going thru. I'm not going to lie, it was horrific pain and the scariest thing I've ever been thru but I kept saying if my baby was ok, then I would get thru it.
First night in the hospital I stayed in Labor & Delivery just to make sure the baby was fine (which he is!!!). The nurse tried working on washing my hair for 2 hours to get the blood out, and even with all that my hair is still caked with blood. Gotta get to the beauty shop tomorrow! I was then moved to the ortho floor and 2 days later had surgery on my ankle.
My ankle was shattered in a ton of places, the doctor had to open me up on both sides, put a huge plate in and multiple pins. Very, very painful. After surgery I was doing ok for about an hour, but I got fluid on my lungs and couldn't breathe. That was scary too, Chris had just left and I felt light headed and they put oxygen on me and the next thing I know the other lady in the room had been wheeled out and there were about 15 doctors and nurses all around me.
I got moved to the floor for breathing treatments and had to wear a horrible breathing machine mask all night. It was miserable, I never want to go thru that again!
I'm now home after 5 days in the hospital. I'm still in horrible pain, and it's been depressing dealing with not being able to just get up and do things. I can't use crutches cuz I'm pregnant and the doctor wouldn't approve them. So I have a walker I hop around on, and a wheelchair when the pain is too bad.
As I type Chris is out buying us a car. My family helped us to get just enough money to get something that runs and can last until we get a settlement. So pray for us that happens soon and we can get back on our feet soon. On top of all of this, Chris had his hours cut at work and now is job hunting. Things need to get better!
As most of you know we were in a severe car accident last monday. Just wanted to explain it more for all of u who had questions!
We were driving up a 2 lane road that curves and goes slightly uphill. A lady came flying around the corner (it's a 25 zone) on wet pavement and lost control. Me and Chris both saw the accident coming, and he tried to pull over to avoid her but she still hit us head on. It was terrifying!
I'll never forget Chris jumping out of the car screaming about how the lady better hope she didn't kill his baby...it broke my heart, but I kept trying to reassure him my baby wasn't hit. I had a broken leg I knew for sure and I was bleeding from my head. Dini jumped out from the backseat, screaming and crying. My poor baby was so traumitized all she could say was "My mommy's baby, my mommy's baby" over and over.
At the scene I don't remember much. I realized I was bleeding more than a lil and screamed for help. A lady who saw the accident jumped in the backseat, wrapped something around my head and held it until the paramedics came. Everyone was worried about neck injury so I didn't move, just sat there crying, in shock, worried my baby was ok even though it wasn't my belly that hurt.
I was taken into the hospital in the ambulance and worked on in the Trauma ER for 3 hours. I had a severed artery in my head they couldn't control and it had to be worked on for awhile. The blood loss was almost to the point I needed transfusions. Chris and Genny stayed with my the whole time.
The only good thing in trauma was they gave me an ultrasound right away and I will never forget the nurse saying "Look at his lil turtle, it's a boy!" From that point on I knew I had to be strong for my baby miracle, and for Chris who was very traumitized seeing everything I was going thru. I'm not going to lie, it was horrific pain and the scariest thing I've ever been thru but I kept saying if my baby was ok, then I would get thru it.
First night in the hospital I stayed in Labor & Delivery just to make sure the baby was fine (which he is!!!). The nurse tried working on washing my hair for 2 hours to get the blood out, and even with all that my hair is still caked with blood. Gotta get to the beauty shop tomorrow! I was then moved to the ortho floor and 2 days later had surgery on my ankle.
My ankle was shattered in a ton of places, the doctor had to open me up on both sides, put a huge plate in and multiple pins. Very, very painful. After surgery I was doing ok for about an hour, but I got fluid on my lungs and couldn't breathe. That was scary too, Chris had just left and I felt light headed and they put oxygen on me and the next thing I know the other lady in the room had been wheeled out and there were about 15 doctors and nurses all around me.
I got moved to the floor for breathing treatments and had to wear a horrible breathing machine mask all night. It was miserable, I never want to go thru that again!
I'm now home after 5 days in the hospital. I'm still in horrible pain, and it's been depressing dealing with not being able to just get up and do things. I can't use crutches cuz I'm pregnant and the doctor wouldn't approve them. So I have a walker I hop around on, and a wheelchair when the pain is too bad.
As I type Chris is out buying us a car. My family helped us to get just enough money to get something that runs and can last until we get a settlement. So pray for us that happens soon and we can get back on our feet soon. On top of all of this, Chris had his hours cut at work and now is job hunting. Things need to get better!
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